▶ Your Answer :
Without doubt
telephone and TV plays a significant role in people's daily lives. Some people
think that the telephone has affected peoples' lives more, while others explain that TV has
affected people's daily lives more. Both sides may have their own reasons to
support their own views. There are several reasons as follows. (본인의 의견은 무엇인지 빠졌습니다.)
To begin with, watching
television could bring success (in life) these days because TV offers
knowledge. A person with deep knowledge has an advantage in the job market than those
who are not highly educated. (sufficient knowledge is regarded as 'a person of
intellect' in this world, while others who lack knowledge are simply ignored.
When people find a job, people with plentiful knowledge are predominant.) For
example, my sister Jane always watches TV News such as CNN and BBC. Therefore, her friends think
that she is really smart. (and fully intelligent person.) When she had a job
interview, she could answer (to) all the questions that she was asked. ( about
personal knowledge.) She could get the job she had wanted because many companies wanted
to hire a smart person like her. (got her job easily because the companies wanted to hire
smart person who have a variety of knowledge.) On the other hand, I spent most
of my time studying every day and did not watch TV. When I went to job
interviews, unfortunately, I could not answer (to many) questions related to current affairs. (knowledge.) I
felt depressed because I was unemployed (could not have a job) for a while. This imples that
watching TV could bring a better result in life.
In addition, TV
helps people experience events that they have never done before. I believe experiencing is one of the most essential factors in
life. (in this world.) People could experience indirectly by watching
television. It allows them not only to gain insights (diverse indirect experience) but also
to broaden their perspectives. (toward the world.) For example, I have not had
the chance to visit Europe yet because I haven’t been able to afford to go. (I could not go
to abroad although I wanted to go to Europe. Because I had a tight budget since
I was student.) Therefore, instead going abroad, I watched traveling programs on TV. I could watch
some palaces, parks, and churches in France and felt worderful. One month later, I met my
friend who went to France. After talking to him, I recognized that I knew more about France than
he did. (more and watched more buildings and art works than him after we talked
about France.) This implies that I could get a lot of indirectly experiences by
watching TV.
All things
considered, I strongly believe that TV has more impact on people's lives than
telephones.
Writing Score (0-30): 18-21
Score (0-5): 2.75-3.25
Grammar & Feedback: 문법적 오류와 어색한 표현이
많았습니다. 두번째 body paragraph에서 제시하신
예시에 설득력이 부족 합니다. 그리고 conclusion
paragraph가 짧습니다. 수고하셨어요.