▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that it is good for young
people to get a different job as their parents for themselves. However in my
opinion if young people do not don’t mind, it would be more beneficial to have same
job as their parent. There are some reasons that parents can help their
children if they are in the same field and children tend to grasp well on what their parents are working on.
To begin with, if young people are in the same
field with their parents, children are easy to get information about that.
Parents who have worked for a long time are well trained and have a lot of
connection in that field. So inexperienced young workers can easily ask their
parent questions about job. For example, my friend has same occupation with her
father. She said that if she has trouble on working, she could listen to
meaningful advice from her father. And it is easier to ask. Also since her
farther has a lot connection in that field, she can also contact with them. Due
to her father’s assistance, she is can be a well-trained worker in the office.
On top of that, young people tend to understand
well on the job that their parents are in. Bbecause most almost children are living with
their parents, there are a lot opportunities to be exposed to their parents' jobs.
For instance, my aunt is running a bakery. Since my cousin has lived with her for
20 years, my cousin had elementary knowledge about bread although she never had
learned before. While she is preparing a bakery test, she can understand easier
than other students. If my aunts were not a baker, she would have had trouble on
learning baking skill as other students.
To sum up, I believe that young people who
have a same job with their parents are easy to get information and to learn knowledge
in that field. In this regard, I argue that it is more preferable for young
people to follow their parent’s job.
Good (24-25)
서론 -축약형 지양해주세요. don't-->do not
첫번째 본문 -세번째 줄에서, 문맥상 복수이므로 worker-->workers -마지막 문장에서, 문맥상 현재 그녀가 well-trained worker이라는 것이 적절하므로 can be(미래)에서 is의 현재형으로 바꿔주세요. 두번째 본문 -대소문자 오류 -almost:거의///most:대부분 유의해주세요. -their 복수이므로 부모님들도 복수, 그리고 소유격도 써주세요. -명사 앞에 관사 -he she 같은 사람일때 일치시켜서 써주세요. 앞에서 she라고 했다가 뒤에서 계속 he라고 나와서 혼란을 줍니다.
결론 -문장 부호 오류 . 생략하셨습니다. 유의해주세요.
예시들을 좀더 객관적인 예시들을 써주시면 글의 설득력이 올라갑니다.
수고하셨습니다~~
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