▶ Your Answer : To improve health, we have to try hard many things. Regulating the kind of food we eat, going gyms to exercise and relieving stress are all crucial matters. In the middle of them, I believe the kind of food is the most essential. There are several reasons. First of all, if we eat the amount of foods more than wasting calories by exercising, it is it’s useless how long we exercise or how we sweat. This pattern makes us healthy pig. Exercising is the latter solution about improving health. Especially if you are obeseity, you have to reduce the amount of food and get rid of alcohol or instant pizza. Organic food is not only helpful for improving but also for balanced shape., In w fitness center, we can see all trainers give us a diet plan and check the list. This means if we do not don’t have a plan about regular diet, we cannot get an effect for exercising. Secondly, we someday heard a sentence that stress is harmful for improving health,. but there are no proofs prove. For example, there are two people. One think the most crucial cause of unhealthy is stress so, he eats all of things whatever he wants. However, another person is very careful in his choice of food. choice food and irritating to friends but take care of what he/she eat. Compare these is two people, I believe the latter people get a better blalnced shape even if he/she get a criticism from neighbors. For these reasons,. I believe if we want to improve our health, we have to focus on eating the healthy kind of food more than relieving stress or exercising hardly.
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글자수 미니멈 300 미달입니다. 미니멈 글자 수 채우지 못하면 감점됩니다. 서론 -철자 오류 reliving-->relieving
첫번째 본문 -축약형 지양해주세요. it's-->it is, don't-->do not -토픽에서 to improve health 입니다. 다이어트가 토픽이 아닙니다. healthy pig는 일단 건강한 것이기 때문에 반문으로 쓸수 없습니다. -철자 오류 witness-->fitness -수 일치 두번째 본문 -prove 동사 proof 명사 -문장 부호 오류 -줄 친 부분 빨간 부분으로 바꿔주세요. -수 일치 -he/she 말고 하나를 정해서 써주세요. -선택이 까다로워서 다른 사람 irritate하는 것은 불필요하고 토픽과 관련없는 내용입니다.
결론 -문장 부호 오류 -그냥 음식에 신경쓰는 것이 아니라, 건강한 음식이라고 해야 토픽과 더 연결이 됩니다. -철자 오류 -hardly 거의 ~않는 hard로 써주세요.
내용이 토픽과 완전히 연결이 되지 않습니다. 특히 첫번째 본문은 건강이 아니라 다이어트에 관한 내용입니다. 내용면에서 많은 보충 필요하고 문법에서도 연습 많이 해주세요.
수고하셨습니다~~ |