Most students do their best to get a job. Their jobs can be getting low
income or professional work. Their jobs could offer
low income, or professional work. All of them Everyone dreams differently. No matter what they want,
results are also different. Some one get a
great career what he want, but other can be failed Someone
could get a job that he wanted, and others may fail.. I belive believe that in this competitive society, we have to
follow our original dreams even if the dreams are ambitious. There are several
reasons. (서론에 문법 오류가 매우
많아서 어떤 걸 주장하는 지 파악하기가 어렵습니다)
First of all, my happiness is the most crucial matters my own happiness is of the highest priority. There are so
many people who wants achieving want to achieve
realistic goals. In this case, I believe this realsitic these realistic goals mean money. Especially in the
art industries, this situations are happend happen
a lot because of the bias. If we want to become a
lawyer or a doctor, our parents worries are gone
whereas, people think we have to ge throug get
through so many challenges to become artists. However, if we cannot
get joyful in studying and we have tallent talent
in creating but not in
sloving solving a serious problems, we cannot find meaning of life also, becoming an expert in law or medicine is difficult. (문장이 너무 깁니다. 중간에 한 번 끊어주세요. 문장들이 서로 맞지가 않는 느낌을 줍니다. 살짝 의식의 흐름대로 쓴 것 같은 느낌을 주니 서로 연관성이 있게 써주시는 연습을 하시는 걸 추천 드려요.)
Secondly, it's just bias. (what is just bias?)
We have to break the rules that society wants to from us. In any part, I believe we can handle anything if we want.
Maybe it is too hard to be a person who are is
respected from surround everyone.
Besides, it may takes so long. Nevertheless, as a result we have a limt
limit if we cannot get happiness in our
occupation. At the end of the day when we climb up to the summit in what we
want, we can not only get realistic goals but
also pride be proud of ourselves
sincerely.
For these
reasons, I think we have to believe ourselves
ambitious truly truly in our ambitions. Belief
takes us to get an authority what we really want.
Writing
0-30 Score Scale |
Limited (0-16) |
Score |
6 |
Overall
Comment: |
문법 오류가 너무 많습니다.
전체적으로 문법 오류들 때문에 뜻을 파악하기도 힘들 때가 많았습니다. 위 지적사항들을 참고하시고, 문법 연습을 집중적으로 하시는 걸 추천
드립니다. |
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