▶ Your Answer :
Nowadays there are
many environment issues. To prevent this these
problems, the government should invest a huge
amount of money in business. Of course, many people believe that the government
should spend more money on business. However, environment problems are more
severe. This is because it will cause health problems
for people. Also, if the government improves the
environment, it can cure the people with certain diseases. (자연을 고치려면 정부가 사업에 투자를 해야 한다. 하지만 많은
사람들은 정부가 사업에 투자를 해야 한다고 생각한다. 하지만 환경 문제가 더 심각하다… - 앞뒤가 맞지 않습니다.)
First of all, there
are a lot of factors that generate the environment issues such as
pollution and global warming. Eventually, environmental problems make people
get illnesses. For example, when my mom was
young, she was lived in the countryside
which was in a refreshing atmosphere. But, she
had to leave her hometown to go for to college
in the city, Seoul. As soon as she moved into Seoul, she realized that
Seoul has had poor air quality compared
with her countryside. Even though she graduated university, she had to stay in
Seoul because she received a job offer from
famous company. Sometimes she had a severe
headache, so she decided to go see a doctor. After she got a checkup, she heard
that she had a problem in her lung. The doctor said that it is was because of the polluted
air in Seoul. Consequently, she left the Seoul and went back to her countryside. Now, she is totally recovered by
fresh air of her home. (예시가 너무 깁니다. 더 간략하게 적으시고 다른 근거들로 채워주세요)
Many people think
that improved environment can help people’s recovery. So, people require the government making to
make cities city into a more
natural atmosphere. For instance, nowadays there are many cancer patients. So,
they are trying to get out of the city and are looking
forward for places
which is with fresh air. The air of cities is mostly polluted by gases
and smokes. It harms These harm cancer
patients’ health more severely. My friend, Anna was
lived in city, New York City. She has
illness that cancer. Her parents determined to move into new place which is in
the nature. She developed cancer throughout her
stay in the city. This prompted her family to move into a more nature-friendly
area. Thanks to nature the new and fresh
environment, she could be regained regain her
health gradually. (암 말고 다른 병을 예시로
드는 게 좋을 것 같습니다. 그냥 깨끗한 공기를 마신다고 낫진 않으니까요.)
To wrap it up,
environment issues should be solved at first because it they cause health problems for people. But,
improved environment can recover people who had diseases. Additionally, clean environments can help sick people
recover. In this regard, it is more important for government to be more
concerned in the environment than business.]
Writing
0-30 Score Scale |
Limited (0-16) |
Score |
10 |
Overall
Comment: |
서론을 쓰실 때 앞뒤가 맞지 않게
쓰셨어요. 본문 첫 문단은 예시가 너무 길었습니다. 전체적으로 문법 오류도 매우 많습니다. 자세한 내용은 위 지적사항들을 참고하시길
바랍니다. |
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