■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer |
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▶ Topic : People should carefully plan activities for their free time. |
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▶ Your Answer :
Some people believe that it is better to spend free time without any plans. However, in my opinion, it is better to make plans for spare time as it would help spend time much more efficiently and improve planning skills.
To begin with, it would be more time-efficient if there are plans for how to spend free time. Without plans, it is easy to waste time just hesitating what to do or when to start. By systematically planning and preparing for plans, the same amount of time will be used doing more various kinds of activities. I would like to give my experience as an example to elucidate my points. When I was a high school student, I had a lot of things to study and had just less than 3 hours a day to take a rest for free. At first, I did not plan for my spare time and spent it playing games or watching TV programs. After a few weeks, I felt like I was spending the spare time too inefficiently and made up my mind to make plans for it. I made plans carefully on a daily basis, and could do more things in the same amount of time than before. (what kind of things??? be more specific.) This example demonstrates that planning for free time would definitely save a lot of time and enhance the quality of free time. (time이라는 말이 너무 많이 반복됩니다. 다른 단어를 활용하시면 더욱 좋을 듯 합니다.)
On top of that, planning for free time would help learn how to systemically and efficiently use time. Planning skills and time management are considered to be very important these days. (Why are they being important? Where do we use it? In business? Be more specific.) Considering how to organize activities and to use time would be helpful to improve these skills. There was a research conducted by Korean Board of Education to figure out whether planning for free time would help people improve their overall planning skills. There were two groups each containing 100 people observed. One group was asked to make plans for free time everyday. After a month later, they were asked to answer the questions made to evaluate their planning skills. The other group was asked to spend their spare time without any plans and was requested to answer the same questions as well. Researchers marked their questions and recorded that people of the former group has shown much higher scores on the evaluation of planning skills. (A very good example!)
To sum up, planning for free time not only helps spend free time efficiently but also helps improve planning and organization skills. In this regard, I firmly believe that people should cautiously make their plans for their free time. |
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점수: 27/30
구조를 잘 짜셨고 topic sentence와 example이 match한다는 점이 가장 좋은 것 같습니다.
다만 본문에 작성한 것처럼 중요한 details가 빠져있고 인트로와 콩클루젼의 길이가 짧은 듯 합니다.
3~5문장 정도가 인트로와 콩클루젼에 적합한 길이입니다.
그리고 특정 단어가 너무나도 자주 반복되기 때문에 단조로운 느낌이 없잖아 있습니다.
free time을 대신할 단어를 찾아 쓰시면 좋을 것 같습니다.
문법은 굉장히 깔끔하게 잘 쓰신 것 같습니다.
수고하셨습니다. *^^*