▶ Your Answer : A large number of people might think that the government should invest in improving public transportation rather than developing medical technologies. If they improve transportation, they can get a many benefits. Many people can save time and can lead to a convenient life. However, I think different with others that improve improving medical technologies is much more important factor in a national level. Medical technologies interact with civil life. I will give you a several reasons that I amply support medical development. There are two specific reasons to validate my assertion. First, If the government invests on improving medical technologies, innovative treatment could be used to cure diseases. Furthermore, our government already invest invests a lot of money for developing medical technologies. A university in Korea called A-ju. There is a university which is famous for medical research so the government invested a large amount of money to this university research. The last year, they found technology to detect stomach cancer at a much earlier stage. Most common cancer in Korea is stomach cancer, Following that, this technology will improve a myriad of people's life. On top of that, developing medical technologies contribute contributes to the country's economy development. Recently, Interest with medical technologies are rising has been increased. Accordingly, If we improve medical competitiveness, we will attracts more foreign patients and investors. For example, India is famous for medical service industry so that they earn more than billion dollars a year. I engaged in the medical field for more than 4 years. this is because I surely say that there has a wide prospect and promising market in this field. For those reasons, one is government has responsibility to serve high quality medical service following the improvement of economy and the other is investing medical technologies has a massive benefits. this is because government should invest medical technologies rather than just public transportation As a result, there is no doubt that I strongly believe that government have to invest improving medical technologies rather than developing public transportation not for country but for civil. Fair: 17~23 점수: 23 일단 이 에세이에서 부족한 부분은 바로 정확하고 구체적인 설명이 부족합니다. 본인의 의견을 명확하게 전달하기 위해서는 각 바디의 설명들이 충분하게 서술되어야 하는데 지금 이 에세이는 이러한 부분에 있어서 많은 부족함이 보이고 있습니다. 독립형 에세이에서 점수를 잘 받기 위해서는 구체적인 설명이 꼭 필요합니다. 이러한 부분들을 숙지하시면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 그리고 문법적 오류들도 있으니 제가 첨삭한 것을 보시고 확인하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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