[Subject : People should try out several different occupations before commuting to a long-term job. ]
Today, since the financial crisis, many people are suffered from job seeking. Traditionally, given statement is known to right or fundamental formular around the world many people believe people should try out sever different occupations before commuting to a long-term job. Yet, can we really vouch for this henceforth? I do not agree this because the type of long-term job is now diminishing in the wake of the rapidly changing society and a host of workplaces before going to long-term job are terrible or harrowing labor condition.
Firstly, I insist that the rapidly changing society have made the type of long-term job to be vanished and this circumstance will be more accelerated when times goes. the people People who had lived the period, so called 'American Dream' had no worrisome about the missing the work not getting a job. However, today is a severe problem to search the job, in particular long-term job, all around the world. Have you heard about the buzzword AI, which is related to Alpha-go, or drive-less car? this has given rise to foster dramatic changes on labor condition so it occurs to lessen the type of long-time job which will lead to the decrease on long-term job. For example, Let's see the cooker and waiter. cooker is one of the types of long-term job. they can work luxury hotel and restaurant and so is waiter. But have you seen the you-tube clip? Two robots can make a delicious food and, even playing trifle joke, according to you-tube clip. On top of that, their ability is not as inferior as cooker's ability. Of course, some people often affirm that the case of diminishing cooker has been not ushered yet, however waiter is not. Already, many of restaurant can replace waiter to computer system. Guests just touch or click the desired menu on the screen. AI에 대한 언급 은 좋았습니다. 기계가 발달 됨에 따라 사람이 할 수 있는 일은 적어지고 컴퓨터가 대채한다는 것은요. 하지만 뭔가 예시가 너무 극단적입니다. 이유에서 그냥 기계발달로 인해 long-term job이 위험을 받을 것 이다라고 하면 더 좋았을 거 같아요. 극단적인 예보다는 보다 현실 적인 예를 드는게 더 좋을 거 같습니다.
Secondly, a host of workplace before entering to long-term job is severely terrible. Frankly, I don't do not know the other nation's workplace, but I assert certainly, the South-Korea workplace shows so bad. In general, In south Korea, the firm before commuting to a long-term job is co called 'small business'. The small business is known as the place where staffs are dehumanized. Let's see the case concretely. they dismiss the labor law in the open , they often pay less minimum wage than government's promulgated one. I saw a grim news about this case. According to article, a staff required the restaurant the minimum wage he could not credit. Then, the employer gave him it anyway, but The method is too narrow. They converted money who whose staff would get to 10 won(the minimum unit of south Korea coin) , so he should drag the twenty sacks of coins.
another terrible action is that the small business also needs long time work as possible as they can. remarkable point is responsible data. (이부분은 무슨말을 하려고 했던 건가요?) According to OECD data. South Korean is 2nd grade labor time per week. In spite of this data, the majority of firms is only to consider how to pull out the work-time as much as possible. This two cases shows that small business is surely not a role contributing one step more, but fall into just the employer's slave. 이 부분도 주제와 어긋나는 거 같아요. long term 회사를 가기전에 여러 회사를 다녀보는게 좋은 것이냐에 대한 에세인데. 이유와 예시는 우리 사회의 회사 규정에 중점을 두고있어요. 이렇게 서술하시면 논점을 벗어난 에세이가 되어버립니다. 앞으로 에세이를 쓰실 때 주제를 확인하고 서술하시면 더 좋을 거 같아요.
Since the type of long-term job is now dwindling and host of workplace before entering to long-term job, such as small business, is direly terrible labor condition. (이 부분도 무슨 뜻인가요?? 설명이 좀 필요할 거 같아요) I do not agree people should try out several different occupations before commuting to a long-time job. In light of rapid society, in my opinion, education reform is indispensable.
Fair: 17~23
점수: 17
일단 가장 중요한 것은 두 바디 다 주제와 어긋났습니다. 본 에세이의 주제는 long term회사를 들어가기 전에 많은 회사들에 대한 경험이 필요하냐 인데. 두 바디 다 이 주제와 어긋났습니다. 주제와 어긋났기 때문에 에세이의 논리도 맞지않았고요. 앞으로 에세이를 쓰실 때 주제를 먼저 집중적으로 꼼꼼히 확인하시고 에세이를 서술하시는 것을 추천합니다. 수고많으셨습니다.