▶ Your Answer : Opinions may be divided over whether studying hard is more significant than relating well with people. We cannot deny the fact that a human network plays an importantl role in our lives. Personally, therefore, I agree that being familiar with others helps people to expand their your human network and learn open mind by experiencing with assorted people. To begin with, as far as successful career is concerned, a human network is the most essential aspect. People can be paramount assets in the future. Imagine that people who did not relate well with others. Their human network would be so narrow. Moreover, they may have a disadvantage when it comes to assesses from others and do not exploit human relationships of them readily. On the contrary, a person with a great human network can make the best use of a human network so as to solve the problem or be evaluated. Then, it leads him to succeed. Like there is saying, 'it is who you know, not what you do, that makes you succeed.' The meaning of success has completely changed compared to the past. If it was merely focusing on one's own ability and excelling others, now it is totally different. Along with your own ability, it is key to be recognized by others and have followers by relating well with people. In the sense, building stronger relationships with others can be helpful in a modern society. For example, when I was in a college, I was really familiar with professors in my major and often spent time with them. One Someday, one professor in my major told me that there is a professor in my university who is are from a same hometown where I lived in. It was a really unique events since my hometown is so countryside that no one usually knows even the town's name. As a result, after meeting him, he highly recommended which where companies are suitable for me and helped me to find attractive companies. If I had not related with professors, I must not had known the professor from my hometown and searched a good company as well.
On top of that, people you can learn to have an open mind from relating well with others. By hanging out with others, you can experience that you have not done before. Thus, it results in being open-minded and versatile for you, as experiencing various activities with others. I believed that experience with others is one of the most essential factors of success in this world. If people had only text-book knowledge, their view will be so narrow. By joining clubs and spending time with various people, you can not only gain diverse experience but also broaden your their horizon of the world. For instance, there is a poll conducted by KOREAN EAP with successful business men and traders as a respondents. The purpose of the survey was to understand what a feature is the most significant factor of success in the world. The majority of respondents ranked the human network over other aspects. An overwhelming 70% responded that a human network is the greatest in a business world. This was mainly because who you know and relating well with partners are the most important point of business. Like people say, "you cannot buy people with money".
Taking broading In this regard, considering having broad human network and learning to have an open mind, into consideration, in this regard(?가능), I firmly hold that getting along well with people is more significant than studying hard for the reasons that I mentioned above.
Fair (21-23)
문법 실수에 유의해주세요. people로 시작하면 their, them; you로 시작하면 you, yours 등 전체적으로 통일해주세요. 대체적으로 you 보다는 people로 하는 것이 좋습니다. 불필요하게 반복되는 문장들이 많습니다. 필요한 내용만 들어가야 설득력이 높아집니다. 마지막 문장에 확실하지 않으면 확실한 것으로 쓰시는 것이 좋습니다. 복잡한 표현을 틀리게 쓰는 것 보다는 간단한 표현을 정확하게 쓰셔야 의미 전달이 더 명확해지고 더 좋은 글이 됩니다. 예시들은 둘 다 괜찮지만 설명이 길어서 오히려 전달하고자 하는 바가 모호해집니다. 주장에 맞는 예시와 그 근거를 더 중점있게 써주세요. 또한, 두번째 본문에서 having an open mind가 근거인데 본문의 끝으로 갈수록 취업을 위한 relating well with others로 바뀝니다. 첫 주장에 맞게 끝까지 이어가셔야 글이 모호해지지 않습니다. 수고하셨습니다~
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