▶ Your Answer : It has been argued among many people whether childhood is the most important life for their intellectual development. (주제에 사용된 단어를 가급적 동의어/유의어를 활용하여 바꿔주세요) It is true that one's intelligence can be developed by the various efforts even after the person is a grown-up. being grown up. However, I believe that the childhood is the most essential and effective period of one's life to be able to develop one's intelligence. intelligent ability. In this essay, I will present briefly two reasons supporting my idea. (이유 두 가지를 간략히 Introduction에서 소개해주세요.) First, it is common sense that the best time for human to learn something is the childhood. For example, Many people who want to make their children to struggle less with learning new language in future, not to be suffered with using foreign language, and they tend to teach foreign language to their kids as early as possible. , as ealry as possible. In many case, The children who were exposed to the environment of using foreign language, they are likely to be the native bilingual speakers than adults who started learning language in their later phase of life. In addition, not only the language skill, but also the possibility of being able to be the best sports player is dependant upon how early they start to learn it. Most of the best sports player in the world started to play it since they were little kids. (언어를 배우는 것과 Childhood 가 지능 발달에 가장 중요한 시기라는 주장이 크게 관련이 없는 나열형태로 설명이 되어 있습니다. 1) 지적 발달 중 가장 중요한 것이 언어 학습이며 이 언어학습은 대부분 어린 시절에 빠르게 이루어진다는 점 혹은 2) 어린 시절에는 뇌가 성장하고 이에 따라 학습이 빨라지며 이는 지능 발달에 도움이 됨 등 좀 더 구체적인 이유가 명시되어야 합니다. 이유 또한 개인적 경험/기사 등 좀 더 구체적인 증거로 뒷받침되어야 합니다.
Second, the existence of 'Wolf-boy' is another proof of the importance of childhood as the best period for one's intellectual development. As many people already knows, various cases of 'Wolf-boy' has been announced to the public. The people who were lived grew up with animals rather than being along with other human-beings since they were little kids, could not speak any human language, so that and the communication with these kids was almost impossible. Even though many scientists had tried to teach them human communicaion communication skills, they failed to learn it eventually. It is believed that they lost their timing to be normal person. 이 부분도 큰 예시를 나열한 것으로 보이며 주장을 뒷받침하는 두번째 이유라고 하기에는 다소 약합니다. 늑대소년의 예시를 바로 소개하기에 앞서 어린시절을 어떻게 보내느냐에 따라 지능 발달이 빨라지고 더뎌진다는 부분이 앞서 설명되어야 합니다.
In summary, I agree with the suggestion that the childhood is the most valuable years in life for their intellectual development on account of the reasons that I mentioned above : not only it is the common sense that the best period of developing one's intelligence is the childhood, but also the example of 'Wolf-boy' proves the idea that it is impossible to develop intelligence after losing the chance to learn civilizaion civilize when they are young, it is impossible to be normal human.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30) 1. 주장은 두 가지 이유로 뒷받침되어야 하는데 Common Sense (일반 상식) 이라는 내용은 주장을 구체적으로 뒷받침하는 이유라고 보기 매우 힘듭니다. 2번째 Paragraph는 예시가 대부분으로 주장을 지지하는 두 번째 이유라고 보기에는 부족합니다. 이유가 구체적으로 명시되어야 합니다. (어린시절이 지능발달/성장에 중요한 이유 예시) 어린 시절에 대부분의 생물학적인 뇌 성장이 끝나기 때문 / 어린이들은 어른들에 비해 사고체계가 유연하며 배운 내용을 빠르게 흡수할 수 있기 때문 등)
2. 각 Body Paragraph에서 마지막에 '~ 한 예시로 인해 이유가 지지된다'는 요약 또한 포함되어야 합니다.
3. 주제와 같은 단어가 아닌 동의어/유의어 등 다양한 표현을 사용해주세요
4. 불필요한 문법 실수를 줄이고 표현을 간결하게 하기 위해 너무 긴 문장은 지양해주세요. |