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On top of that, as society develops, a large number of people become good at multi-sectors (어색한 표현입니다). Plenty of education and opportunities are provided to contemporary citizens, a lot of people are apt to manifold works (어색한 표현입니다). According to a report conducted by Cambridge University, companies tend to look for assiduous people who are assiduous in working with natural abilities ability. People with hard-working mind Hardworking people are more likely to deal with the troubles efficiently because they continuously strive to sort solve the problem. As a result, people who just have aptitude became hard to succeed.(어색한 표현입니다 - As a result, people who only have natural abilities and are not hard working are less likely to succeed) To sum up, people who are diligent have more chances to achieve success because knowing the ability which people born with is totally hard (의미 파악이 어려운 문장입니다), and lots of people come to proficient at the are now able to handle diverse tasks. In this regard, I firmly believe that working hard is more crucial rather than being born with talent.
Score: Limited (1-16), Fair (17-23), Good (24–30) Comments: - 서론과 본론1이 없네요. - 의미 파악이 어려운 어색한 표현들이 있습니다. 응용에 자신있는 단어들만 써주세요. - 모순이 있습니다 - companies tend to look for people with natural abilities <- 본인의 주장과 완전히 반대인 부분이 아닌가요? - 요즘 사람들이 다양한 일을 할 수 있다는 부분은 설명이 더 필요해보입니다. 수고하셨습니다 :)
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