▶ Your Answer :
Some
people think that competition between friends usually negatively impacts
friendships. However, I believe that fair competition between friends has positively
impact on friendships for two reasons. This is because people could learn how
to interact with each other and understand friend’s authentic mind and thought.
First,
fair competition between friends enables people to learn how to interact with
each other. Initially, I thought that competition between friends usually
negatively impacted friendships. However, after experiencing an episode with my
friends, I changed my view. I realized that fair competition between friends
has several benefits for improving the friendship.
Nowadays, Todays,
most people consistently continue to compete competition with other people at any time.
It is an inevitable social phenomenon in our lives. Even when people play sports with
one another, they show the strong tenacity toward win. In my experience, when I
was a freshman, I often played soccer with my friends. We had an intense physical
fight with the opponent team while playing game within the right rules. In
contrast, after finishing the game, we praised opponent’s play, and cheered
them up regardless of results of each game win and lose, which allowed us to form closely
relationship and eventually becoame good friends through healthy competition in good
faith.
This
experience was convincing enough to change my initial thought, and I learned
that fair competition between friends enables people to learn how to interact
with each other.
Second,
fair competition between friends allows people to understand friend’s authentic
mind and thought. The boundary of cooperation and competition is highly vague
nowadays. People are able unintentionally to have competition with friends who
possess same final goal. At a glance As a seemingly, the competition looks like a serious
circumstance that endangers their friendships, but it is just simple procedure
in our lives to achieve their dream. After rather fair competition between
friends, winners comfort them for their failure and losers truly celebrate
their friend’s success, allowing people to strengthen their friendship. It represents
the true friendship.
To
sum up, I believe that fair competition between friends has positively impacts
on friendships for the following reasons: learning how to interact with each
other and understanding friend’s authentic mind and thought. Consequently, the
importance of my view cannot be underestimated for the reasons I have mentioned
above.
Fair (17-23)
서론 두번째 문장의 동사가 'has'이므로 positive impact가 명사로 쓰입니다. positively impact를 쓸 경우에는 impact가 동사로 쓰일 때 입니다. (토픽 문장의 경우) 따라서, has positive impact 혹은 positively impacts라고 써야 합니다. 토플 에세이의 general 한 틀은 서론+ 본문1+ 본문2+ 결론 입니다. 본문은 주제문+부연설명+예시+ (마침) 으로 주로 구성됩니다. 자유롭게 쓰는 것도 좋지만 시험을 위한, 단기간 성적 향상을 위해서는 틀을 따르시면 더 간편하실 것 같습니다. 불필요한 내용이 많습니다. 본인의 주장과 그것을 뒷받침할 예시와 자료들, 근거들만, 필요한 내용만 써주셔야 글의 설득력이 높아집니다. 첫번째 본문은 불필요한 내용들이 많지만 주장과 그에 맞는 예시는 잘 쓰셨습니다. 두번째 본문에서 competition을 통한 authentic mind and thought에 대한 내용이 없습니다. cheer하고 celebrate하는 것이 authentic thought이라는 것을 좀더 유기적으로 연결시켜 주세요. 또한, winners/losers라는 표현을 쓰는 것 보다는 (단순한 game이 아니라 life goal의 경우에) healthy competition will allow them to cheer each other up and build more tight, genuine relationship 정도로 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고하셨습니다~
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