▶ Your Answer :
These days, human being’s life span is gradually expanding by the high technology medication systems. it It helps people’s lives life more comfortable and to get more happiness, but it is barely to exist the advantage of it, surely I believe that there are absolutely negative phenomenon in return for delaying the death. (Unclear sentence) and that can be demonstrated with following reasons. To begin with, it can promote the phenomenon of youth unemployment, because retirement age will be is increasing with the longer ascending the life span. Compared with both the young and the old in corporations, they prefer the old due to the fact that they are more adept in dealing with their tasks. (You need to mention " when hiring employees, the prefer more experienced people) that process will build the society that With this preference, most young people can’t get the job ,struggling to live in depressed reality. On the top of that, babies will vanish steadily in the world, this is related with first reason. (Weak thesis) According to the university’s research, there are common behavior that people tend to get married in the situation that stability the demand for living. (What does it mean?) so young people won’t get married due to the reason shown in first reason. and Also, the world will become the society of existing only old mans someday, and then human being will become extinct. (Give evidence) To sum up, expanding the life span might look inevitable technology in the future, but it’s just a point that is judged in short distance. (Unclear) the way of living longer will account for the serious phenomena such as the youth of unemployment and the world except the baby.
채점기준표
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Grammar
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Contents
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Example
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Coherence
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점수
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1
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2
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1
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2
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Score
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Limited 5-10
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글의 전체적인 문장구조가 어떤 의미를 설명하고 있는지 정확히 파악되지 않습니다. 정확한 어법과 단어를 사용하셔야 합니다.
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