▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that cars have made
better changes in society than airplanes have. However, in my opinion,
airplanes have given more beneficial impacts on society than cars because
airplanes have enabled all people to have the same opportunity to learn and have
shortened the traveling time significantly. To begin with, airplanes let people
to access the quality education good education quality which provides providing greater career opportunities and
make making peoples’ lives better. Quality education is significant factor in peoples’
lives as it is one of the sustainable development goals that United Nations
encourages all countries to achieve by 2030. In my school, there are students
from more than 30 countries and most of them came from developing countries
where academic institutions are insufficient and have low quality. Without
airplanes, they could not access to the same quality of education that students
in developed countries have. Therefore, airplanes enabled all students to access
to the same quality of education which leads to the same career opportunities.
For example, I studied abroad when I was in high school and currently studying
in American university. It enabled me to have a lot of career opportunities
because I have more chance to apply for companies in United States since I can
speak English and learned American culture while educated in the American
college. On top of that, airplanes shortened the traveling time which make
people to be affluent. By taking airplane, the traveling time will be shortened
which lets many people to work efficiently by moving relatively short time and
people to have vacation. For instance, my senior employee in my work could
successfully participate and present in two different workshop in two days. He
had to present his work in Malawi and China and airplanes made this possible.
He could earn more money and develop his career thanks to an airplane. To sum
up, airplanes made people’s lives better than cars. In this regard, I think
airplanes have given more benefits to people than cars have given. Fair: 17~23 점수: 22 일단 한 단락에 너무나 많은 정보를 넣었습니다. 첫 번째 단락에서 너무나 많은 정보를 넣었기 때문에 두 번째 단락의 내용이 짧아질 수 밖에 없습니다. 따라서 균형있는 설명들이 독립형 에세이에서는 가장 필요합니다. 한 단락에 많은 정보를 넣는 거 보다는 좀 더 균형 있게 두 단락에 균일하게 이유들을 설명하시길 바랍니다. 이러한 부분들을 항상 숙지하시면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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