▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that cars have made
better changes in society than airplanes have. However, in my opinion,
airplanes have given more beneficial impacts on society than cars because
airplanes have enabled all people to have the same opportunity to learn and have
shortened the traveling time significantly. To begin with, airplanes let people
to access the quality education which provides greater career opportunities and
make peoples’ lives better. Quality education is a significant factor in peoples’
lives as it is one of the sustainable development goals that United Nations
encourages all countries to achieve by 2030. In my school, there are students
from more than 30 countries and most of them came from developing countries
where academic institutions are insufficient and have low quality. Without
airplanes, they could not access to the same quality of education that students
in developed countries have. Therefore, airplanes enabled all students to access
to the same quality of education which leads to the same career opportunities.
For example, I studied abroad when I was in high school and currently am studying
in an American university. It(명확하게 설명해주세요) enabled me to have a lot of career opportunities
because I have more chance to apply for companies in United States since I can
speak English and learned American culture while educated in the American
college. On top of that, airplanes shortened the traveling time which make
people to be affluent. By taking airplane, the traveling time will be shortened
which lets many people to work efficiently by moving relatively short time and
people to have vacation. For instance, my senior employee in my work could
successfully participate and present in two different workshop in two days. He
had to present his work in Malawi and China and airplanes made this possible.
He could earn more money and develop his career thanks to an airplane. To sum
up, airplanes made people’s lives better than cars. In this regard, I think
airplanes have given more benefits to people than cars have given. 예상점수: 14-17 총평: 일단 문단 구조와 구성을 갖춰주시고 글을 명확하게 나눠주셔야합니다. 현재의 글은 구조와 구성이 없고, 결론도 누락이 되어있네요. 이러한 부분들을 갖춰주셔야 글이 짜임새있게 나올 수 있습니다. 두번째로 문법적인 오류는 많이 없지만, 명확하게 조금 더 설명해주셔야 할 부분들이 글에 많습니다. 특히 두번째 바디? 이유는 첫번째와 비교해서 조금 더 분량적으로 설명이 필요합니다. 수고 많으셨습니다.
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