▶ Your Answer : In my childhood, I wanted to change roads for cars, or trains because the roads were damaged and dangerous to drive a car. Besides, there are many advantage of changing roads or railroads. 인트로를 잘 서술하시긴 했는데 hook이 없는 거 같아요. 바로 본인의 의견으로 넘어가는 것보다는 hook으로 시작해서 반대 입장을 제시한 후 본인의 의견을 서술하시는 것이 좋을 거 같아요. To begin with (첫 번째 바디를 시작할 때 to begin with, firstly같은 단어를 먼저 주어주고 시작하는게 좋아요) roads and railroads can help to develop people's hometown. Roads and railroads are crucial transportation methods and it is a chance to flourish hometown since well maintained railroads and roads allow construction company to remodel hometown. In addition, if roads and railroads are remodeled, it attracts tourist and new residents because they want to see beautiful landscape and well developed town, and new building hometown had have all things. I will take my personal experience as an example, when I was a student, my hometown mayor implemented a new policy that changed new roads and railroads. A few people did not want to this policy because they wanted to build new libraries, health care center, etc. However, mayor forced to change the roads and railroads. After that, many people want to live my hometown because new roads and railroads allow construction company to build new buildings such as, libraries, health care center. Besides, my hometown had a beautiful landscape, tourists from other town wanted to come my hometown. 마지막 부분 끝맺음에서 설명이 부족한 거 같습니다. 왜 도로와 기찻길을 만들면 다른 빌딩들도 만들어지게 되었는지에 대한 설명이 부족한 거 같습니다. 도로가 확장되면서 편의 시설에 대한 중요성 때문에 만들게 됬는지 등등 다른 빌딩의 건설에 대한 설명이 필요할 거 같아요. Also, new railroads and roads allow local company to grow. Most of local companies are depending depend on agriculture and people who live in city want fruit or wheat things. If roads and railroads are maintained or replaced a new one, people who live in hometown are able to delivery service and it makes hometown's financial. For instance, my parent's hometowns were famous about apples and grapes because their lands fertile and had enough climates to grow fruit. However, peoples could eat fruits only in parent's hometown because condition of their roads and railroads were was awful to start delivery service. However, after changing roads, they were able to implement delivery service and export to other country such as, China and Japan. To sum up, If I could change one important things in my hometown, I would change roads and railroads because railroads and roads allow construction company to build new building and to deliver famous local food to people who lived in other countries. Good: 24~30 점수: 24 일단 첫 번째 바디 마지막 부분이 제가 첨삭한 것처럼 보여진 것 처럼 설명이 부족한 거 같습니다.왜 도로와 기찻길을 만들게 되면 다른 빌딩들이 지어진 것에 대해서 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 각 바디를 시작 할 때 첫 번째 바디에서는 to begin with, firstly등등의 단어가 필요하고 두 번째 바디에서는 furthermore, moreover같은 단어가 필요합니다. 두 번째 바디에서는 문법적으로 틀린 부분이 있으니 제가 참석하신것을 보고 참고하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셧습니다. |
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