▶ Your Answer :
Some
people don't think University that universities have
to spend as much money as on sports as they do on libraries because they
think University universities are is
the places that
are only for studying. However unlike them I agree that University
universities should spend as much as
money on sports as they do on libraries for several reasons. (universities는 고유명사가 아닙니다)
First of all, University universities
should offer the same opportunity to every
student. There are many majors in universities.
Among them, of course there must be majors related with sports. If universities only spend money on libraries,
then students majoreding in sports can't
obtain the same opportunity from their school. In contrast others like majored who major in English or Mathematics
can get the opportunity to study their major
from school. It's unfair. (위 두 문장은 그냥 합쳐주시는 게 자연스럽습니다. In contrast… their major from school,
which is unfair. 이런 식으로요) University has a Universities have the duty to keep every student's
rights. For this duty, universities student have to spend the same amount of
money on sports as they do on library.
Last
reason is that sports is are helpful for
studying. In other words, spending money on sports means giving students a chance to study harder and better. There is was a research conducted
about 2 two groups. (숫자는 철자를 다 써주시는 게 더 좋아요. 또 이 실험이 정확히 어떤 기관이 진행을 했고 몇 명 대상으로 했는지 써주셔야 합니다) In the experiment, the first
group was consisted of students who only do study studied
and the other group was consisted of students who do not only study but also do exercise. Everyone
forecasted that the first group would have a better score on a test. But surprisingly, in the real test the latter group students have had the better score. According to the research, doing
exercise helps students to do study. It's
because doing exercise makes improves one’s concentration. more strong attention.
That's why universities should
spend the same amount of
money on sports as they do on the libraries.
It'll be good for many students. (마지막 문장은 굳이 안 넣어도 되는 문장입니다. 전체적으로 문법 오류가 너무 많습니다.)
All things I considered, I
strongly believe that spending money on the
libraries is beneficial for school. (왜 이게 결론으로 나온거죠? 본문에서는 스포츠에도 투자를 해야 한다, 라는 내용으로 포인트를 잡으셨는데, 결론은 도서관이 매우 중요하다. 라고 하셨어요.) So I
think it is preferable for universities to spend
the same amount of
money on sports for the reasonable reasons I mentioned above.
Writing
0-30 Score Scale |
Limited (0-16) |
Score |
4 |
Overall
Comment: |
포인트를 잘 못 잡아주신 것
같아요. 근거도 부족합니다. (설문이 누굴 대상으로, 몇 명 그리고 어디서 진행했는지 명시해 주세요) 결론도 본문과 엇갈려요. 또한
문법적인 오류가 너무 많습니다. 위 지적사항들을 확인해 주세요. 문장 구조도 매우 단순합니다. 더 다양하고 어려운 구조 및 표현들을
사용해주실 필요가 있어요. |
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