▶ Your Answer :
Opinions maybe
divided over whether people should live in rural areas rather than live in
urban areas. People of various ages and different walks of life may take
diverse positions on this controversial issue. We cannot deny the fact that
experience and relationship play an important role in our lives. Personally,
therefore, I disagree that living in the countryside is better than living in
big cities. (GOOD)
To begin with,
dwelling in big cities is a reasonable choice because it helps them lay the
foundation to become successful. There are numerous infrastructures and welfare
systems in big cities. Therefore, they can get various experiences in cities
and broaden their horizons to become a bright mind in the field. For example,
my friend Julia has become a successful contemporary artist in Seoul. She is
recognized as one of the most successful figures in her field. When I asked the
secret to her success, she said that living in Seoul, which is the biggest city
in Korea, helped her experience diverse things. She added that she used to go art
galleries and museums when she was young because there were a lot of museums and
galleries near her house. A substantial amount of her experience in Seoul helped her go the extra mile and get ahead of others.(어떤 분야에서 앞서는 사람이 되었는지 보여줄 수 있어야 합니다 예 - 과학자일 경우 :도시에 있는 과학 박물관들과 도서관 등이 분야에서 성공하는 데 도움이 됨" This clearly proves that living in big cities can help one to have diversified experience to make a good career path. --> Template을 사용할 경우 주제에 맞추어 해당 내용을 알맞게 변경할 수 있어야 합니다.
Second, if people
live in urban areas, they can improve their social networks and become
successful. I read an editorial from the Dong-A Daily News that is related to
the topic. It describes the result of a survey conducted by Seoul National
University social science researchers with more than 500 random successful
figures. Of 500 people surveyed, 80 percent of them answered that they have
lived in Seoul, the capital of South Korea, or other big cities. They went on to say
that it was easy to build new friendships in a metropolis because the
population of big cities was extremely larger than that of rural areas. The
respondents answered that they felt they need to have close bond with other
people from different background due to the fact that they could achieve many
things in various fields. Furthermore, they answered these social relationships
were the foundation for their successful life. This shows that living in urban
areas is important issue.
--> Template을 사용하는 것 외에 좀 더 distinctive 한 이유와 세부설명으로 본인의 주장을 뒷받침할 수 있어야 합니다. (이유 1가지로는 설득력이 부족합니다. 2nd paragraph에서 social relationship을 형성하는 데 도시가 더 도움이 된다는 이유를 앞에서 소개하는 것이 좋습니다. )
As mentioned above,
based on my friend Julia and the survey conducted by Seoul National University
social science researchers,(이 내용 보다는 본인의 이유인 "다양한 경험"과 "사회 내 네트워크 확장" 을 요약해주세요) I can conclude that big cities give people more
opportunities of success.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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FAIR
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LIMITED
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LIMITED
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FAIR
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FAIR
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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