▶ Your Answer : Some people might say that we'd it is better to spend money on traveling rather than save saving money it for the future. However, in my opinion, I personally think that
it's it is better for us to put it aside for two reasons. One reason is that we need
to deposit our money for emergency situations. Another reason is that we have to think about our siver-lives life after retirement retiring a job. To begin with, we should accumulate our money for a rainy day (direct 표현을 써주시는 것이 좋습니다).
It's goes without saying that Nobody knows how our future is going to be like. Thus, we need to consider about emergencies and saving save money for that such days. I'll I will take one of my friend's story as an example to support my opinion.
His family used to go on a family trip as often as possible, they used to travel together more than 2 two times a year. One_day, my friend, Jun Ho Lee, got into a car accident right after coming back returning from the a family trip. and they He needed a tremendous amount of money to pay for the medical fee. Even though his insurance pays it a lot, they could not pay it lasting. His family managed to deal with this that
problem by borrowing some money but they had tough days. On top of that, we have to think about our own silver life after retirement. Our average expecting life time Life expectancy is getting higher time goes by. This is because medical
technology today is very developed complicated. On the other hand However, people these days are pushed to retire as early as possible. For example, a study showed that expecting age in human beings is getting higher. the figure of the study said that average life time in 2010s became 2 times of 1930s. (앞에 나온 내용 (회색 부분) 을 반복하는 내용입니다) Thus, I think we need to bethink about our future seriously. To sum up, not only does we have to think about emergencies, but we also need to consider about plan our life well silver lives by saving money. All things considered For these reasons, I think we'd it is better to deposit money in our bank
accounts rather than spending money it on trips.
Score: Limited (1-16), Fair (17-23), Good (24–30) Comments: - 문법 실수가 많습니다. - 본론1에서는 다른 예시를 사용해주시는 것이 좋을 것 같아요. 너무 예시가 극단적인 느낌이 있어요. 아니면 본인의 친구라고 하지 말고 For example, if a person gets into a car accident .. 이런식으로 써주시는 것이 좋을 것 같아요. - 본론2의 경우, 제시하신 예시는 예시가 아닙니다. - 전체적인 구조는 잘 잡혀있습니다. - I think 표현은 피해주시는 것이 좋고, 필요하다면 I believe 등을 대신 써주세요.
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