▶ Your Answer :
Some
people think that parents should let their children watch television to
encourage them to study harder. However, in my opinion, parents must avoid
letting them watch television to study. The reason is that kids cannot control their time of watching television and they need another
other methods to relieve their stress.
To begin with, young kids are unable to control their impulse. Every kids
wants to watch television, but they he cannot measure the enough time for watching
television. Many of kids are having difficulties with television
addiction. Therefore, they need strong regulations for watching television
until they are self-controllable. For example, kids who are addicted to the
television were not able to keep their words (what
words? 더 설명이 필요합니다) and showed aggressive attitudes toward their parents and other people. In addition,
most importantly, their studying achievements was
were much lower than any other students
who are were not addicted to
television.
On top of that, children need other ways
to relieve the stress came that come from
studying. Many of children use television as a method of relieving
stress. However, watching television even makes
them even more tired and stressful. Eyes are too
stressed because kids watch read (책은 watch가 아니라 read가 맞아요) books too long while they are studying. Watching
television make their eyes even worse. They need to play outside and relieve
their stress through physical sports. Those methods can encourage children to
study harder, because they can enjoy playing and relieve stress effectively.
For instance, in my case, I usually watched television after studying. But it
made my eyes bad, thus I had to wear eyeglasses during studying and I lost
interest in studying. However, after a few
years, I played soccer with my friends after studying, I could relieve stress
well and my eyes went became better.
Therefore I am so became encouraged in
studying.
To sum up, regulations are needed because of kids' uncontrollable traits
and there are much more effective ways to
encourage children than watching television. In this regard, I strongly agree
with the statement that parents should avoid
letting children watch television in order to
encourage children to study harder.
Writing
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Overall
Comment: |
Good effort. 무슨 내용을
전달하려는지 잘 파악은 가지만, 문법 오류가 매우 많아서 비교적 낮은 점수를 드렸습니다. 거의 문당마다 문법 오류가 있어서 흐름에도 영향을
끼쳤습니다. 전체적으로 기본적인 문법 연습이 필요하다고 생각해요. 수고하셨습니다. |
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