▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that
watching television can be an obstruction for friends and family to communicate
with each other since it might be able to
take their time in the way of watching television just alone for long time
without interacting each other. However, in my opinion, if the friends and
family spend a time with watching television together, they will be able
to share their minds and they can feel a sense of bondage
bonding each other. Furthermore, if the young people share the common
things related to the contents that they saw on the television, they can be
more tied with each other and satisfied with
the feeling of strong bond.
To begin with, a lot of
people spend their time without any connections with others. In modern society,
they are suffered from their overwork in their workplace, and they want to be
alone at their leisure time not to be burned out from consuming their energy to
communicate with others. However, if the people have experienced the meaningful connections with others, they can be
refreshed and relieved their stress when they are with
other people rather than being alone. To be specific, people can
be more relaxed through the time with their family watching television. My own
example demonstrates this. When I had to prepare for
the entrance exam to the university, I suffered from stress to prepare
the process, but I spent majority of time with my family watching a documentary
program that showed a life of a successful man in his field. I consulted my
difficulties of preparing the entrance to the school and also got valuable
advices from my parents related to the contents of the documentary. If I
had not seen the television program, I would not have told my hardship to my
parents, but with watching the documentary, I could have shown my real thoughts
and be recharged with the conversation we had through watching
television together. refreshed with the conversations.
On top of that, a lot of
young people are susceptible to peer pressure and want to fit in be involved with other friends. What I
mean is that, if the teenagers see some television programs which they are
interested in, they can share the contents of the program and be involved in the peer group naturally.
For example, when I was a high
school student, I saw the a very famous
drama for so a long time and my friends
in class also saw the drama like me. During study breaks and after school, we
enjoyed talking about the contents of the drama together. We believed that we
were becoming united as we shared the common
interests in our lives. The incredible pressure that teenagers feel to be
accepted into a group can be an overwhelming force. Watching television can be
an effective means to be involved in a group.
To sum up, watching television encourage people share
their thoughts and to be involved in peer group.
In this regard, I feel that television can broaden the
communication among friends and family members.
Fair (17-21) 서론 -서론 깁니다. 토픽 restate, 본인 주장문, 간략한 이유설명으로 써주세요. -with each other 로 with 가 들어가야 자연스럽습니다. -줄친부분 불필요한 내용입니다. 또한, 반복입니다. -a sense of bondage로 표현하는 것이 깔끔합니다. -마지막 문장에서 줄친부분 반복적인 내용입니다.
첫번째 본문 -if 가정법은 if 주어 have p.p 로 써주세요. -rather than being alone 보다는 사람들이랑 있을때 좋다로 이어가는 것이 문맥상 자연스럽습니다. -노란 부분 티비 프로그램과 본인의 고민과 어떤 연결이 되는지 개연성이 부족합니다. 좀더 개연성있는 예시를 들어주세요. 예를 들어, 티비에서 수험생의 힘듦에 대한 다큐멘터리였다고 하면 더 개연성이 올라갈 것입니다. -refresh 앞에서 많이 썼으므로 recharged, regain energy 등으로 써주세요. -with the conversation 보다는 더 구체적으로, 주장문을 강조하도록 키워드인 텔레비전을 한번 더 넣어주고 설명함으로 끝나는 것이 좋습니다.
두번째 본문 -be involved 보다는 fit in이 더 적절한 표현입니다. -be involved in 구문. 뒤에 in 필요합니다. -예시부분에서 줄바꿈하지 말아주세요. 같은 본문안에서 줄바꿈 지양해주세요. -unit은 단위입니다. 하나되다는 unite 이고, 여기서는 수동태이므로 united로 써주세요.
결론 -둘다 결론 부분인지 to sum up 은 두번째 본문 마지막 문장인지 알 수 없습니다.
개선할 부분 많으십니다. 연습 많이 해주세요.
수고하셨습니다~~
|