Some believe that leadership comes naturally and people cannot learn to be a leader. There are obviously many opinions regarding with this topic. However, I personally agree with the idea that people can learn leadership and become a leader for the following the two reasons. People can learn leadership through many experiences. Also, and people can get leadership through books.
To begin with, people can learn leadership through a various of experiences. If leadership comes naturally, many famous leader can not be born in the world (이 부분에 대해서 설명이 필요한 거같아요 하시고자 하는 말이 리더가 되는 것이 자연적이다 라는 것은 유명한 리더들이 지금 이자리에 없을 것이다라는 것이 많나요? 그렇다면은 many famous leader cannot be born을 서술 하시고 왜 이러한지에 대한 설명이 필요할 거 같아요 그 다음 문장에서는 바로 예시로 넘어 가기 때문에 이 부분을 이해할 수 없을 수도 있습니다). To be more specific, my personal experience can be an example. When I was in university, I had to do a group project. I became leader in my team, but I did not want to become a leader because I did not have confidence and leadership. As a result, I could do as leader and my team got a bad grade. However, this changed after I became a leader again. I learned leadership through a failed experience and other presentation. Also, it was a perfect environment for me to innovate my mind and behavior by how to mediate mediating different opinion and to make making good team atmosphere. My team got satisfying outcomes and my team members called me the a great leader. 위에 이유에 대한 설명은 리더 조건이 자연적이였다면 유명한 리더들은 태어나지 않았을 거라고 하셨는데. 자신의 개인적인 예시보다 유명한 리더들이 어떠한 경험으로 그 자리에 올라가게 되었는지에 대해 서술 하시는 것이 더 좋은 예시일 거 같아요
Some oppose to the opinion, but it ensures that leadership comes not naturally and people can get readership from books Furthermore although some oppose to this opinion, leadership does not come from naturally but rather from books. Books is important a tool are important tools because people can meet role models and famous leaders and can learn indirectly their thinking. An article I read online touched on this subject. Se Min became a successful politician because he learned leadership though books. He had respected Jun young Kim that who was a famous woman president in Korea and he red a book relating related to Jun young Kim. So, he learned to what is authentic what was authentic for leadership and her thinking. He could get leadership that is essential to a politician. The same situation would apply to others to who want to become a successful leader. If they read books, they can learn leadership and achieve a great success.
To conclude, I strongly believe that my standpoint of the two reasons is sufficiently convincing. People can learn leadership through different experiences. Also, they can get leadership from books. In this regard, Leadership does not come naturally and people can learn to be a leader.
Fair: 17~23
점수: 21
첫 번째 바디 예시가 적절하지 않았던 거 같습니다. 첫 번째 바디를 설명하 실때 만약 리더쉽이 자연적으로 나타나진 것이라면 모든 유명한 리더들은 태어나지 못했을 거 다라고 하였습니다. 이 부분을 서포트하려면 유명 리더를 예로 들어서 그 사람이 어떠한 다양한 경험을 통해서 그 자리로 가게되었는지에 대한 설명을 하셨스면 더 좋았을 거 같습니다. 두 번째 바디에선 논리적으로 잘 풀어나갔지만 제가 첨삭한 것을 보시면 문법적으로나 어법적으로 틀린 부분이 있습니다 잘 보고 참고하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.