Some people think it is better for children to grow up in the city, while other think that life in the countryside is more suitable. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.
With an ever increasing concern about a proper place for growing children, a proportion of the population has opined that cities are the best place for children to grow up. The rest of the population, however, has raised a counterargument that raising children in the countryside is more helpful for them. This essay will evaluate both views and give a conclusion.
On the one hand, advocates of growing children (이 단어가 꽤나 많이 쓰이고 있는데, 동의어가 여럿 존재하므로 잘 활용해주시는 게 좋습니다.) in the city tend to contend that cities are more effective places for spending the time of childhood. Firstly, in terms of the education, given that cities have various facilities and institutions for children’s education, young kids grown up in the cities are likely to get not only many opportunities to enter a good university but also a better job with high salary. Secondly, children living in the cities could have advanced experiences related to their future job by getting more information and knowledge easily, and by sharing their information with other kids.
On the other hand, opponents of this issue would present that spending the period of childhood in the rural area is better for the young people. Considering the fact thata high density of population tends to raise many crimes like car accidents, kidnaps and other violence, staying in the countryside is much safer for children rather than in the city. Futhermore, enjoying the nature and spending time in good enviroments is one of the best way for keeping mental health, which will affect beneficially to the growing children.
In conclusion, it seems that growing in the countryside is good for children. Nevertheless I believe that growing in the city is much beneficial for the children in the long term. (내 의견에 대한 근거를 작성해주시는 게 좋습니다.)
총평: (6/7/6/7) 6.5
일단 빨간 부분이 많이 없는 것을 통해 확인할 수 있듯이, 표현상 문제는 그렇게 많지는 않았습니다. 그러나 여기서 혹시라도 7.0 이상이 무조건 필요하시다면 1. 암기된 티를 최대한 줄이거나, 2. discuss both 유형의 경우 결론에서 내 의견에 대한 구체적인 서술을 할 수 있어야 해요. 실제로 모범답안들의 경우도 Discuss both 에서 결론을 쓸 때 그저 한 줄만 적고 넘기지 않습니다.
대신 6.5정도로도 충분하다면 굳이 위의 사항들은 건드릴필요가 없으므로 그냥 참고 정도만 해주세요!
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