There is a proverb in Korea, “A man fixed his sty after losing his cow.” It means he
recognizes (>recognized) what(?) after his value(>valuable) thing has disappeared. It(>This situation) can be adapted(adapt는 동사로 '적응시키다' 입니다. 적절치 않습니다.) is applicable
(적용시킬수 있는) to our healthcare matters. also. So,(불필요) I’ll tell you on this article(in this essay) how important a prevention is.
INTRO: 1. "he recognized~ 부분에서 "그가 인정했다 또는 인지했다."라고 해석
이 됩니다. 무얼 인지했는지에 대해서는 나타나 있지 않습니다. 그래서
what(?)이라고 지적하고 있습니다. 수정한 결과,
"he regretted from the bottom of his heart~" 라고 합시다.
2. "I'll tell you~ how important prevention is~"부분. 서두에서 "나는
예방이 얼마나 중요한가에 대해서 말하겠다" 라고 하셨는데, 주어진
topic을 다시 한번 읽어 보시기 바랍니다. 문제에서는 예방이 얼마나
중요한지 논하기 보다는 글쓴이가 위의 주제("prevention~measures.")에
어느 범위까지 동의하는지 또는 동의하지 않는지를 묻고 있습니다.
My father had a stomach cancer. and(자연스럽지 않습니다.) Therefore he had to removed his whole stomach by a severe operation. He likes and enjoys eating, drinking and smoking, but now he has to limit his diet(>the amount of his meals) and quit smoking. It’s so annoying to him.(보다는>How annoying it is for him! 또는 It's really annoying him.) He’s regretting more than ever because it might not be happened(>he won't have to stick to those irritating rules such as abstaining from smoking and drinnking) if he were smoking, eating salty thing less before(>took care of his health long time ago.)
As this(>Like) my father’s situation, and according to doctors,(같이 연결하니까 이상합니다. >What learning we can draw from my father's case story is that) disease can be prevented by our simple habit(보다는>when we pay small piece of attention to our health at our ordinary times). But once somebody(>somebody는 주로 긍정문에 쓰입니다. 여기에서는 anybody가 더 잘 어울릴듯.) gets a disease, that(불필요) curing time and money(보다는>time and money which might be taken for patients to be cured)could be pretty big.(보다는>too much) We could be healthy by spending small amount of money and time to prevent before we become ill. Even cure(보다는>medical treatments) is(are) sometimes painful and stressful for patients.(>이어지는 문장을 사이에서 흐름의 순서가 어색합니다. 이 문장을 "that curing~ pretty big."바로 뒤에 붙이세요.)
BODY1: 1. "보다는~"이 붙어진 부분은 틀리지는 않은 사항이나 좀 더 다듬을
필요가 있는 어구들입니다.
In other hand, cure can be a good function to solve the problem.(어떤 problem를 의미하는지 뜻이 모호합니다.) The Technology is getting advanced, and(콤마 대신 접속사 필요) the what(?) method is very various than before.(보다는>variety of methods are introduced today 또는 method has become much more various than before.) But that is still not enough to keep our life healthy. Do you want to live just(불필요) long time in hospital or normal time in your sweet home? “Prevention is better than cure.” And the what(?) method is not hard or difficult. It’s simple and easy just to carry out in your life.
BODY2: 1. "what(?)"부분은 뒤에 나오는 "method"의 뜻이 모호하기 때문에
지적한 것 입니다. 어떤 방법이고 무슨 방법인지 구체적인 설명이
필요합니다.
그리고 마지막 문장인,"It's simple~your life"에서 가리키는 "It"이
무엇인지 명시할 필요가 있습니다. 독자의 이해를 혼란시킬 수 있습니다.
2. "Do you want to live~ sweet home?"에서 "Do you want to live
dreadful days in hospitals or normal days in your sweet home?"가
더 낳다고 봅니다. 그런데 이 문장은 독자들에게 협박(?)어조가 묻어나기
때문에 좋은 essay에서는 제외시켜야 할 것을 당부 드립니다.
All people(보다는>Everybody) want to live healthy in(>during) the their rest of their life. We don’t like to go hospital for any reasons. Prevention makes us saving(>to save) money and time. To sum of those up, we should know how that we can live healthy by healthy habits, education and preventive measures. , and Then we can live more happily without any diseases.
CONCLUSION: 1. 반복되는 단어들, 문장들, 똑같은 이야기들이 너무 많습니다.
감점 요인이 될 수 있으니 주의하시기 바람니다.
2. Range of Vocabulary가 너무 좁습니다.
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