▶ Your Answer : Some people voice >> voice가 물론 동사로도 사용이 될 수 있지만 글의 방향과 문장의 주제를 말하는 서론에서 대표할 수 있는 단어로는 적절치 않다고 봅니다 that today many children are busy because they have to succeed in their lives. They have to study a lot and learn various fields of study. However, others says that students who lived are previous generations just hung out with their friends outside, so they did not need to be stressful. >> get 동사는 좋지 않습니다 다른 단어들을 더 찾아보고 공부해보세요 또한 의문이 남습니다 왜 성공을 해야 하는가 마지막 문장이 이 주제랑 무슨 관련이 있는가가 궁금증으로 남네요
First of all, today, children have had a negative effect on their health. When children have time to prepare exam, they do not have to take rest time have no time to take a rest and are always busy to study a lot. Children usually even think that they do not have to spend a lot of time on having meals, so they usually eat fast-food. Fast-food >> 단어 중복하시면 안 됩니다 The immediate food 혹은 The junk food 라고 해주세요 does not have nutrition and it makes children's bodies to destroyed. Furthermore, they have a lot of stressful because of tests. Many exams, teachers, and parents are pressing children, so they feel depressed and become stressful. These pressure gives rise to children's causes diseases.
Secondly, however, the other people say that children do not be exposed to negative effects on their health. To begin with, medical treatment is developing along the rapid development of society. If they have disease, they can be treated from doctors. In contrast, in previous generations, most children can not receive profit advantages of medical treatment because medical treatment is not developed, also they just are cured by their parents in their houses. This situation is more normal than going to hospital. In addition, eating habits and lifestyles are main reasons for negative effects on children's health. Especially, family disease is much more harmful than eating habits and lifestyles.
In conclusion, some people think that eating habits and lifestyles of children give a rise to health problems, but the other people think that eating and lifestyle habits are not influenceing to health problems.
논리적인 전개가 전혀 되고 있지 않습니다 이 얘기 했다가 저 얘기 했다가 결론도 흐지부지 마무리가 됐습니다 계속 했던 얘기가 반복이 되네요 또한 문법적인 문제로 글이 제대로 읽히지 않는 부분이 많습니다 단어의 반복은 영어에서 정말 싫어하는 것입니다 절대 피해주세요 단어의 품사도 잘 알아주시길 바랍니다
Task Achievement - 5 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 4 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 4 4.5 예상합니다 |