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These two line graphs charts give data about total employment in CT >> the number of 라고 표현할 수도 있는데 전 글도 그렇고 똑같이 쓰시네요 and CT manufacturing its jobs for production from 1989 to 1995. This data is derived from New England Economic Project.
Overall, both the number of people who employed in CT working for CT and CT manufacturing jobs that of manufacturing jobs had gradually decreased gradually >> 부사는 동사 뒤에서 수식합니다 . First of all, in 1989, the amount of total employment in CT accounted for about 1,675,000, and then,>> 콤마 빼주셔도 됩니다 it fell by>> by는 ~만큼 떨어졌다고 to는 ~까지 떨어졌다인데 여기선 아마 to라고 생각되네요 그만큼 떨어졌으면 fell이 아니라 plummeted 라고 해야 돼서 어찌됐든 오류나 부적절한 면이 있습니다 approximately 1,525,000 in 1992. In the next year, however, it slightly increased slightly to around 1,530,000. and Once, more the number went up to nearly 1,550,000 in 1994 and remained stable leveled off in 1995.
On the other hand, the figures of CT the manufacturing jobs show that there is a consistent decrease. In 1989, the number of CT manufacturing jobs occupations was roughly 360,000, >> 콤마 빼주세요 and it decreased by >> 여기서도 by가 어떤 뜻으로 쓰였는지 궁금하네요 just under 310,000 in 1992. Consequently , in 1995, it fell by >> 위와 마찬가지입니다 280,000. >> 마지막 문장 너무 짧습니다
To sum up, despite of its >> its ? 어떤걸 지칭하나요? fluctuations, the total number of employment in CT had been dramatically decreased and the number of CT manufacturing job also gradually fell gradually during 1989 to 1995.
결론 작성은 세세한 부분을 말하지 못한 것만 제외하면 잘 됐습니다 서론 본론에서 지적 사항들이 있네요 중복되는 단어가 많습니다 특히나 job은 vocation, occupation, profession, career 등 다양하게 표현할 수 있습니다 manufacturing 역시 producing 등을 이용해서 표현해 볼 수 있겠구요 혹은 the work 이라고 앞 문장에서 나온 말을 그렇게 받아줄 수도 있습니다 두 그래프를 적절하게 비교하면서 자연스레 넘나들면서 비교하는게 잘하는 비교입니다 이렇게 따로 나눠놓고 쓰는건 비교가 아니라 단순 나열이 될 수 있습니다 만약 by 와 to 사이를 헷갈렸다면 점수는 좀 부족한 5.5 예상됩니다 뜻이 아예 달라지게 됩니다
Task Achievement - 5 Coherence and Cohesion - 6 Lexical Resource - 5 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6 5.5 예상합니다 |