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Animals are living things which possess personal feelings which have their own feelings, habits, >> 세개 이상 나열 중 마지막 and/or 앞엔 콤마입니다 or preferences like us .>> like 보단 such as 가 더 아카데믹한 좋은 표현이고 us 보다 3인칭의 human beings 정도가 좋습니다. >> 너무 뜬금없이 처음에 동물은 감정, 습관 이런 식으로 나왔네요 문제 제기에 초점을 맞춰주세요 Either humans or animals needs to be respected and loved. However, >> 문두에 부사 뒤엔 콤마입니다 others think that animals are merely simple items creatures. In this essay, I will discuss both sides of the issue and give reasons for my opinion.>> I argue keeping the right of humans and animals to harmonize each other is needed 정도로 I argue~~ 식의 문장이 더 좋습니다
Undoubtedly First of all, humans can’t cannot >>축약형 쓰지 않습니다 survive with animals. Depending on circumstances, animals provide thick leather jackets or salubrious meat. Humans need necessities such as leather jacket from animals as those items provides comfortable warmth in winter and meat which contains a variety of nutritions for surviving. Furthermore For example, in some countries such as Indonesia, a tropical country populated with a lot of orangutans, ancient dwellers used to excoriate orangutans’ skin to make their clothes. In other words, animals provide heat and sustenance. Without these >> these what ?, humans may have difficulties to sustain life.>> 주장과 뒤에 설명의 말이 맞지 않습니다
However, we often fail to see that animals are living creatures with feelings. Often, animals may help emotionally people in emotional help for people.>> 설명이 너무 짧습니다 설명이 제대로 뒷받침 안 된 글은 좋지 않습니다 For example, my grandfathers has depression due to his laborious jobs. Then, my parents decided to give him a small dog as they heard some news about overcoming mental conditions a friend to overcome such a mental disease. From what I heard from my parents is that,>> 콤마 빼주세요 his conditions have significantly unexpectedly ameliorated unexpectedly. My grandfather’s experience proves that humans can develop an emotional bond with animals.
Moreover, animals can be trained to help humans. Recently, a lot of doctors recommend people who have difficulties in vision or olfactory. The best example that can be explained with may be a guide dogs. They help blind people to avoid obstacles along the pavement and crosswalk. >> 본론은 두개면 충분하고 이 정도 길이의 본문은 오히려 전체적인 글을 망칩니다
In conclusion, animals are one of our necessities>> 어떤 필요물인가요?. However, they aren’t are not just products we can buy from malls. Instead, animals are living creatures with feelings that can love and care for us.
각 문단 첫 시작은 한 칸 띄어주고 시작해주세요 (들여쓰기) 본문이 주장 설명 예시로 이뤄져 있기는 하지만 설명이 턱없이 부족하고 주장과 설명의 연결이 되지 않는 상황들이 생겼는데요 주로 그런 이유는 글을 쓰다 버릇 하지 않아서 본인이 쓰면서도 머릿 속에서 주제가 뒤죽박죽 되고 본인의 포커스를 잃는 경우에 생깁니다 단어는 좋았지만 확실하게 지칭하는게 무엇인지 짚어주는 라이팅이 필요합니다
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6 6.0 예상합니다
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