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The environment is has an effect on making up a person's character, so it is regarded as an important factor to form growing individuals. person's character. Especially, the place where people grow up affects people's personality. I will discuss how the environment plays an important role on molding forming people’s character personalities.
Firstly, people who grow up in the city were are more competitive than who raised in rural areas. Since they were young, they were forced it was forced to them to study in order to have good grades and enter better prestigious university. Even after they grow up, they have to compete with co-workers in their workplace. They think that success in life is being promoted and have higher salary >> 무슨 말인가요?. On the other hand >> 굳이 이렇게 반대 주장을 나타내는 부사를 넣지 않고도 문장은 구성할 수 있습니다 그게 글쓰기 실력이기도 하구요, people from the countryside are not much pressured into studying as there are no private educational institutes in rural areas. They live are surrounded by nature and have more chances to play >> play what ? with peers. It influences them to become a sociable and easygoing person.>> 예시라고 표현도 되지 않아서 경계가 모호하고 주장은 하나를 들고 유기적으로 두 관계를 비교한게 아닌 그냥 뚝 잘라서 도시/시골을 나눠버렸네요 효과적인 글쓰기가 아닙니다
Secondly, people who are raised in the urban areas usually live in an apartment complex and other modern buildings. There are many urban people who don’t do not even know who lives in the next door. Those people tend to think that their own life is more valuable than socializing with neighbors. >> 무슨 말인가요? Thus, >> 문단의 결론을 구성할 때 쓰는 부사입니다 중간에 이렇게 튀어나오면 안 돼요 people in the a city are more individualistic than those in the country. However, people in rural areas know everyone in their neighborhood and consider neighbors also family members. Therefore, they are willing to help each other when a neighbor is in a difficult situation.
Finally, in cities, people do not have many opportunities to feel nature since they grow up far from rural area regions. Hence >> 역시 위에 thus 와 마찬가지입니다, they hardly have chances to appreciate the beauty of nature or to realize the importance of nature. It leads them to have less interest in protecting nature than those who grew up in rural areas. People in country are typically close to nature. Houses are built in a natural setting, and nature could be their work place.
In conclusion, the place where people grow up has an impact on individual's character development. People from the two different environments should learn advantages from each other.
현재 쓰신 글자가 333자입니다 본문 3개 중 하나 날려도 250자가 넘네요 너무 많이 쓰지 마시기 바랍니다 무슨 말인지 모르겠는 부분들이 많습니다 현재 에세이에 맞는 주장 설명 예시의 글 성격도 아니구요 그냥 긴 글입니다 주제도 이상하게 에세이를 잘 구성할 만한 글은 아니라고 보여지네요 어디 생략하고 요약하셨는진 모르겠지만 토픽부터 말이 이상합니다 Task1 써주시고 단어 문법 공부 해주세요 단어 수도 줄여주시고 Task1 도 200자 넘는 식으로 길게 쓰는 일 없게 해주세요 비교도 다 끊어끊어서 해서 유기적인 연결도 없고 어떤 부드러운 연결, 비교 등도 부족했습니다 이해하기 어려운 작문들로 글의 흐름도 끊기고 내용도 몰라 전개에도 영향을 많이 미쳤구요 부사의 사용도 잘못된 것들이 많습니다
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 4 Lexical Resource - 5 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5
5.0 예상합니다
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