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This bar chart graph shows illustrates the data estimated the about rates of illiteracy in six different regions and by the opposite sex both sexes in 2000.
In overall >> To begin with, the people of living in sub-saharan africa, arab states, >> 세개 이상 나열 중 마지막 항목의 and/or 앞엔 콤마를 써주세요 and south asia are highly illiterate, whereas the people the others of developed countries, latin america/caribbean, >> 위와 마찬가지입니다 and east asia/oceania are relatively good at reading and writing can read and write. >> 오버뷰도 본론이고 디테일 문장들하고 단락 나눠주지 않습니다 많이들 하는 실순데 기억해주세요 To begin with, the rate of illiteracy in south asia is the highest among the six categories. >> 이것도 오버뷰입니다 처음에 문단을 나눠줘서 오버뷰가 아니라고 생각하셨을거라고 생각해서 코멘트 해드립니다 About 35% of males in this region cannot >> cannot 붙여씁니다 write and read. On the other hand However, in terms of women`s figure, it is the figure of women was almost twice more than as much as that of men males (near 60%). This tendency seems to be seen in sub-saharan africa (the figure of men - just over 30%, its of women - just under 50%) and arab states (the rate of males is approximately 30%, whereas its of females is roughtly 50%) >> 괄호는 이런 식으로 이용하는게 아닙니다 간단한 항목들이나 수치 정도지 이렇게 표현하지 않습니다
The illiteracy rates rates of people who were uninformed of the other areas >> 어떤 지역인가요? 또한 the other 다음은 단수명사입니다 are relatively lower than above three areas >> 어디죠? . The lowest illiterate population is, not surprisingly, developed countries>> 가장 적은 문맹 인구 = 선진국 인가요? 그냥 is로 이어주면 이상합니다. The rate of both men and women in these countries accounts for nearly 0%. Also >> also so and or but은 문두에 쓰지 않습니다, most people in latin america/caribbean and east asia/oceania can read and write, compared to sub-saharan africa, arab states, and south asia.
글자수 좀 줄여보시는게 좋다고 생각되구요 (20~30자 정도) 스펠링 오류도 있었구요 Asia, Oceania, Saharan 등으로 첫 문자 대문자로 씁니다 그 부분에서 모두 오류고 2000년 때를 설명하기에 본론 부분은 과거 동사로 돼야 하는데 모두 현재로 작성됐네요 엄청난 오류입니다
Task Achievement - 5 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 5 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 3
4.5 예상합니다 |