▶ Your Answer :
There is no doubt that an the enormous number
of crimes are existed all over the world. With regards to this issue, some people
insist that the punishment needs to be fixed for each kinds of crime. However,
others argue that the motivation and circumstance of committing the crime
should be considered when the punishment is given taken. Therefore, I believe that the
considering the about background of the criminals can be more useful than a fixed
punishments.
It is true that if the punishment is fixed
on each crime, it can make the process of the trial more faster than before because
criminals already chose choose the punishment while they are committing the crime. In
other word, the lawyers do not need to spend spent time to judge them because cause<(very informal) of a
given fixed punishments. However, a fixed punishment can bring be brought about the chaos of
deciding on the punishment.<(이미 fixed된 punishment인데 그 punishment를 결정하기가 어렵다는 것은 이상하게 들립니다) For instance, the crime of a robber is designated with a the 3rd level of the punishment, there are two robbers of a house and a bank separately, but
they cannot take the same level of the punishment because the grade of crimes
are different.
On the other hand, by taking into
consideration about the circumstances and motivation of criminals, the length
of trial can be prolonged, but rather it can provide a more accurate judgment,
and distinguish exactly between the real criminals and innocent people more exactly.<(elaborate) However,
those systems can accompany with some side effects, and this systems was already
imposed in Korea few years ago. In particular, when the murderers kill a person,
but if they have a mental illness on their head, they will get a lower grade of the punishment in spite of they committing the murder. <(긍정적인 부분을 충분히 elaborate해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다)
To conclude, it is clear that the punishment needs to be designated because for accurate judgment as the positive impacts outweigh
the negative impacts rather than a fixed punishment.<(unclear하며 introduction의 글쓴이의 의견과 contradicting하게 들립니다. Punishment가 designate되면은 fixed punishment이 되는 것입니다)
Score: 5.5 Comment: 전체적으로 development/improvement가 조금 더 필요합니다. 두 번째 문단의 경우 fixed punishment은 어떤 punishment를 줘야하는지에 대한 어려움이 있다 라고 해주셨지만 fixed punishment는 이미 crime에 따라 결정된 punishment이기 때문에 이 내용을 논리적이러 어색하게 들립니다. 세 번째 문단의 경우는 좋은 점 보다는 나쁜점을 더 서술을 해주셨습니다. 하지만 글쓴이는 introduction에서 motivation/background를 consider하는게 좋다 라고 해주셨기 때문에 이에 대해서 부정적인 부분을 더 서술을 해주시면 글쓴이의 의견/주장을 잘 support 해주지 않습니다. Conclusion의 경우 결론이 처음 글쓴이의 의견과 contradicting하게 들리며 fixed punishment 보다 designated punishment 필요하다는 것은 어색하게 들립니다. Punishment를 designate하면은 그게 fixed punishment이 되는 거라고 생각합니다. 문법상 문장구조/시제/word form/collocation/formality/article use/에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |