▶ Your Answer :
With
the progress of human civilization, many issues have become controversial, one
of which is that whether human’s lifestyle should be regulated by the
government or not. Although it is necessary to respect individuals’ freedom of
the way they live, I believe that government’s control on our life is
inevitable for the better world.
More
and more people are now insisting that no one, even the government, can
interrupt their lifestyle. The freedom that people can do what they want
provides us them happiness. For instance, smoking or drinking alcohol sometimes acts
as a good exit to people who get stress on their work or study. 앞문장의 예로 보기는 어색한 것 같아요. 원하는 것을 할 때의 행복과 관련되어있다기보단 술이나 담배를 하는 사람들이 술담배를 통해서 스트레스가 풀린다는 단순설명에 가까워요. Moreover, all
the citizens hope to protect themselves or their family from danger. By
possessing self-protection goods like a gun, they feel safer and live without fear
of thieves or rapists.
Nonetheless, profound research would confirm
that our society might soon be in Chaos without government’s regulation on our
lives. This is because something harmful and dangerous no good is more likely to attract our attention. For example, although drugs are prohibited
over the world, some people still cannot escape from it and keep threatening
their health. <-아직 앞 내용에 대한 설명이 다 끝나지 않았는데 갑자기 총기규제 얘기를 꺼내는 건 어색해요. In addition, by restricting some products like a gun, governments
can relieve people. We hear a lot of news about the incidents related to a gun
around the world. However, residents in South Korea, where possessing any kind
of weapon for normal people is not allowed, do not worry about that.
In
conclusion, there are convincing arguments both for and against intervention by
the government in our life., I am convinced that we would lead a healthier and safer
life under the government’s control in our lifestyle.
IELTS 1-9 score scale score: 6 competent user
문제가 요구하는 두 가지 view에 대한 것과 나의 입장을 잘 서술한 점이 좋았습니다. 내용을 전개하는 과정에서 앞뒤문장의 연결성이 부족한 부분들은 cohesion 면에서 감점요인이 되니 유의하셔야 해요. 내용 연결에 신경쓰면서 연습하시면 좋을 것 같아요. 수고하셨습니다~!
아이엘츠 라이팅 채점기준 참고하세요 - TA/TR(Task Achievement/Task Response) 문제에 정확히 답변, 적정 분량 - CC(Coherence and Cohesion) 일관성, 응집성 - LR(Lexical Resource) 다양한 어휘표현
- GR(Grammartical Range and Accuracy) 문법 다양성, 정확성
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