Many things can influence the academic achievement and emotional growth of a student. In this regard, peers have more of an impact than teachers do.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
I agree with that peers influence more than teachers in academic achievement and in emotional growth. Most students dwell inside the boundary of school, and whether they like it or not, it is their duty to stay inside the school with other students, and teachers. While doing so, I believe their peers would have more influence more than teachers, for the following reasons.
First, one of the human’s basic characteristic is that they are sociable animals. They live within the society, and they communicate and interact with others, learning how to evolve themselves. In school, they teach you (2인칭은 구어에 해당하므로 사용하지 않는다고 보시면 됩니다. 지금은 연설문의 대본을 쓰는 상황이 아니니까요.) how to adapt in this community, spending time together with other students. So (문장을 and but so 로 시작하는 것은 피해주세요!) the students learn by having a chat with other fellow students, and sometimes they fight, or sometimes they shake their hand as a gratitude, or hug each other as an expression of being friendly to each other. It is clear that teachers are their supervisors, however the student next to them are friends, and they follow each other’s actions, and they understand each other because they are in the same shoes. While doing so, they learn in academics and evolve emotionally.
Second, Teacher teachers are is basically a worker. Worker is a person who works for getting paid. Which means their ultimate goal is to get paid, although there are some teachers who really works for a student, but the chances are not much high. So teachers are an official position whereas students are not. Teachers have has an exact time of teaching schedule, and they do it for no more, no less. Students know this, and they know that teachers are different from them, and that teachers have a very different perspective. With a different point of view, students feel that teachers are there for only academic reasons like boring math, or science. When students were given a time to work with others, their academic ability enhances because they work with the person who has a same point of view. So they learn more than learning from teachers in various of ways.
Finally, students spend time together. In one class, there is one teacher for many students. Not one student for one teacher. So students usually hang around with their friends, a colleague, but they don’t do not usually hang around with teachers. Also while hanging around with others, they learn how to communicate and experience something new. As teachers has their own life they go back to their home after grading students, but students go home together with their friends, chatting about topics that they usually have same interests. With spending more time together, they enhance their communicating skills, emotional feelings, and possibly academic achievements, if they choose to talk about their school works.
For these reasons, I believe peers impact much more than teachers in emotional growth, and in academic ways.
총평: (6/6/6/7) 6.5
글이 긴 것 자체로는 전혀 문제가 되지는 않습니다. 길더라도 모든 표현들이 정확하고, 내용의 순서 배열이 잘 되어있으며, 문법도 깔끔하면 오히려 긴 글이 더 좋아요. 단, 글이 길어질 수록 이에 따르는 부가적인 사항들이 문제가 되기 때문에, 높은 확률로 긴 글은 적절 길이의 글보다 감점되는 것이고요.
여기의 경우도, 길어지면서 students 등의 표현이 더 자주 쓰인다는 문제점이 생기게 됩니다. 또한, 본론 문단의 경우 현재 순서를 1,2,3으로 놨을 때, 논리적인 배열은 2,1+3이 되어야 합니다. 우선 1번과 3번은 기본적으로 거의 같은 논지로 갑니다. 그렇기 때문에 굳이 나눠서 작성할 필요는 없고, 하나의 문단으로 합쳐주시면 돼요. 지금은 불필요한 내용의 반복일 뿐입니다. 또한 2번이 1,3번에 선행하는 이유는, 일반적으로 강조하는 대상은 뒤로 놓는다는 원칙이 있기 때문입니다. 현재 글의 목적은 선생님을 부정하고, 강조를 학우들 쪽에 놓는 것이므로, 순서도 학우 쪽을 뒤에 넣으면 좋죠.
정리하자면, 작문과 논술, 그리고 영어에 정말 자신이 있으시면 본론을 세 개나 넣어도 되지만, 제한 시간 내에 그걸 깔끔하게 하기는 불가능에 가까우며, 지금과 같은 중복의 문제도 생기기 때문에 웬만하면 두 개를 질적으로 확실히 갖추는 것을 추천드립니다. 수고하셨습니다 :)
39분
465 words
해커스 아이엘츠 writing 교재 첫 문제입니다.(p.196)
처음 첨삭 받아보네요ㅠㅠ 글이 좀 긴 것 같습니다ㅠㅠ 길더라도 읽어주시고 부족한 부분 지적해주시면 감사하겠습니다!!