▶ Your Answer : Compared to the past, people tend to eat
more and exercise less, especially in advanced countries. Therefore, obesity
became a serious problem as the average weight of people has skyrocketed skyrocketing
nowadays. In this essay, I will provide give some causes of the problem and suggest the
way to solve this phenomenon. First of all, I think that the main reason
of people’s health problem is fast-food. (can't stand alone. 앞 문장과 연결해서 쓰셔야합니다. 그리고 because로 문장을 여는 것은 추천하지 않습니다)>Because it is low price and has very
delicious taste. Moreover, it is convenient to buy anywhere and easy to eat those
up in a short time. Coincidentally, people are seeking fast-food for their meal
despites of its high calories and fat rates. People who want something
delicious and fast tend to eat more fast-food more and easily gain an additional
weight to become obese obesity. <(some causes이라고 하셨기 때문에 fast food 외에 다른 이유도 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다) To help these over-weight and less healthy
people who have bad eating habits, the government’s role is important. The
government can support a big scale campaign and make an advertisement to show
on TV in gold time. <(campaign for what? what kind of advertisement?) Those efforts will affect effect on people whose levels of health
and fitness are descending. They can get knowledge about the bright side of
exercising and bad effect of high-calories food. For example, in Korea, there
was an exercising campaign last year. It recommended climbing mountains and regular
exercising with healthy food. Coincidentally, many of people become to have an
interested in healthy life. Also, the average weight of Korean decreased,
slightly. People are become easily gaining an additional
weight nowadays, so unhealthy lifestyle and obesity are the main problem we
meet. The government can attribute to make people's life healthier by advertising
and campaigning the better way to live than the past in public.
Score: 6 Comment: 잘 서술 해주셨습니다. 주로 글 안에 있는 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 또한 formal한 essay 이기 때문에 1인칭이나 contraction을 피해주셔야합니다. 또한 문법상 어색하게 들리는 문구들이 일 우 있씁니다. 주로 동사에 틀리시고 계십니다. 그 외에는 더 다양한 표현을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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