▶ Your Answer :
In modern society, some people assert that universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject. However, I strongly believe that it can be discrimination in another way. Because, This is because usually males and females usually have different preferences of subjects. If the university limits the number of students by gender, it can disturb students who want to study. This essay will discuss some reasons and present some examples. To begin with, not every subject has an equal number of gender ration of students. According to the research conducted by Korean National University, it illustrates the preference of subject depends on students' gender. (영어는 숫자 자체로 문장을 시작하지 않습니다. 글로 써주셔야합니다)>60% of male students preferred the science and engineering field and 75% of students majoring nurse course in New York University was female students in 2015. <(little unclear. research는 NYU를 대상으로 한 research 인가요? 아니면 males는 다른 학교에서 research를 conduct했고 females에 대해서는 NYU에서 conduct했나요?) If the universities offer only the equal numbers of vacancies to both genders without considering of their preferences, it can prevent perspective prospective students from having a chance to study.
Not only that, if the university regulates the number of students, the half of the positions of some subjects can be vacant while the rest of positions are fully occupied by another gender of students at the same time. This negatively affects to their financial situations as they cannot gain tuition from students. Moreover, it causes lack of budget to support education systems for students.
Overall, the equality only focusing on the same<(same what?) cannot solve the ultimate problems. In addition, it prevents prospective students to study as well as declines the universities financial status. Score: 7 Comment: 글쓴이의 주장을 잘 reasoning/support 해주셨습니다. 다만 silly mistakes가 꽤 있으십니다. 주의 해주시기를 바랍니다. 숫자 같은 경우 1~10은 항상 글로 써주셔야하고 문장을 숫자로 시작을 해주시고 싶으시다면 word form으로 써주셔야합니다. 또한 두 번째 문단에서의 예시가 조금 unclear하게 들립니다. 수정을 해주시는 것을 추천합니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |