▶ Your Answer :
According to some/many, the money spent
in the field of arts by the government is a waste wasting, and they think that this
money can be spent in a better way on other things. In my opinion, spending
money in both arts and scientific fields will be valuable. <(why science?)
As everyone knows that the world is
developing day by day, and arts is playing a key role in the development of a
nation as well as in the economy of a nation. So many arts fields like
architecture, construction, and designing etc should be given enough importance and
the government needs to invest money in these fields. For example, architecture
attracts many tourists and it has a major role in economy of a country. <(조금 더 왜 arts에 돈을 투자하는 것이 허비가 아닌지 서술을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다.)
On the other hand, other fields like
science and technology should be developed properly to make a nation strong.
Science and technology have played a key keen role in development of any nation. Thus, So
it’s<(formal essay에서는 contraction을 안쓰시는게 좋습니다) the responsibility of a government to spend money in the fields of science
and technology, and provide enough opportunities to the peoples to take
advantages from these fields of science and technology.
So according to my belief conclusion, spending
money by the government on the fields of arts and science are not a waste wasting in
any way, and the government needs to improve both of them in a proper ways. <(질문은 science에 대해 묻고 있지 않습니다.)
Score: 5.5 Comment: 전체적으로 글쓴이의 주장이 clear하지 않습니다. Introduction을 보면은 arts에 투자를 하는 것이 waste가 아니지만 science fields에는 똑같이 invest해야한다고 해주셨습니다. 하지만 conclusion에서는 science field에 돈을 투자하는 것이 waste가 아니다 라고 해주셨는지 질문은 science 가 아닌 arts가 waste인지 아닌지 묻고 있기 때문에 이 부분이 헷갈리게 들립니다. 또한 arts외에 다른 것에 invest를 해야한다면 그 investment는 arts에 투자할 돈을 다른데에 투자하는 것입니다. 그렇기 때문에 arts and science field에 둘다 투자를 해야한다는 것은 질문이 물어보는 것과 다르게 들립니다. 문법상 주로 word form와 formality에 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 코멘트나 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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