▶ Your Answer :
There is no doubt that massive trashes are produced from human activities. With regards to this issue,some people may insist that the government needs to fish out a decent solution to reduce the a great amount of rubbish. Therefore, the government and individuals have to take prompt action to for figure out this problem. trends (Need better transition) (Can improve. 질문은 왜 more and more rubbish가 produce되고 있는지 묻고 있기 때문에 쓰레기가 만들어지는 여러 이유가 있다 라고 해주시기 보다는 쓰레기다 더욱 더 만들어 지는 이유는 두가지다 라고 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다)>It is true that there are several reasons for producing rubbishes from householdsand facilities. As for households, the expenditure trends of people are surged since the growth of world economy. In this reason, if people bought a sofa last year, and they will change it to the latest one instead of keeping the oldest one. In According to a survey conducted in Korea last year, most offurniture were thrown away by this reason and some of it were still remaining remained on the roads and disposal sites. <(이 내용을 조금 더 summarize 해주시고 두 번째 이유에도 equally focus해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다) As well as, as for facilities, such as factories are also made a large sum of numerous trashfrom for producing some products. To solve this phenomenon, the government and individual have to take responsibility for inhibiting to produce the rubbishes. moreover, The government have to make a law about the trash produced andcitizens observe a law exactly either <(?). Due to the fact that the government need to establish the lawsuch as paying tax for trashes and setting up the maximum trash produced on each household, and thenresidents will tend to be aware of this controversial issue and try to produce less rubbish. Furthermore, if people are not following the law, they have to receive be got some penalty and pay extra fees aboutthey produced the trash they produced. To conclude, it is clear that the rubbishes can be inhibited from both the government and individuals, if they are interacting and helping to improve this issue each other.
Score: 6 Comment: 질문에 대한 답이 좋다고 생각합니다. 다만 두 번째 문단에서 두 이유에 대한 내용량을 balance해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 cohesion device에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 collocation/capitalization/시제/ tense agreement/표현/word form/어순/punctuation/에 많이 틀리고 계십니다. Collocation 공부를 더 해주시고 문법에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |