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In these days, most adults have full-time jobs and the important period of their lives spent on working jobs is very long. So >> so also but and or 는 문두에 쓰지 않습니다 Moreover 나 Furthermore를 쓰시길 바라고 뒤에 콤마 붙여주시길 바랍니다 문두에 부사가 오면 뒤에 콤마가 붙습니다 the level of job satisfaction, which is connected with a whole life of individuals, >>문장 중간에 수식하는 which 절이 나온다면 앞뒤를 콤마로 나눠주시길 바랍니다 is really crucial for the wellbeing of that person workers. I believe the two most common factors have mainly impacts on job satisfaction of people.
As the working conditions of workplaces, which include up-to-date equippments all over the world, becomes more and more >> 이것보다 우선 순위로 쓰는 단어는 increasignly 입니다 more and more은 약간 구어적인 면이 더 큽니다 progressive. >> 문장은 이걸로 충분합니다 끊어서 새로 시작해주세요 it is important for us to work for the good results and performance. so To speak, this>> what's this? is realized by all, which works >> 문맥상 앞 문장 전체를 받으므로 동사는 단수로 해주셔야 합니다 in the company in the present.
The other Another thing that is contributing to the degree of job satisfaction is high salary. If most businessmen do not recieve suitable payment are not properly paid from their company or the employer, they might >> if 절의 동사가 현재면 주절의 조동사도 현재가 와야 합니다 quit the job even if good facilities are given to them. This is because the majority of people feel that the amount of salaries affect directly to the quality of life. Now, more than ever workers having to race each other for recieving high paying>> 본문장엔 동사가 없습니다.
While a healthy competition, which is related to working in a well-equipped environment and recieve a high salary, >> 환경과 월급의 차이 정도라고 간단하게 언급하시는게 간결 명료하게 선의의 경쟁을 보여주는 기준을 제시하는데 더 좋을 듯 싶습니다 is totally realistic, it is rather unrealistic when the competition loosing its own means.>> 그것의 방법을 잃는 경쟁의 때는 오히려 비현실적이다? 무슨 말인지 모르겠습니다 In other words, workers want to obtain competitive salaries and great benefits without the amount a lot of efforts by themselves.
If workers incessantly strive incessantly to reaching at the high level of job satisfaction, high salaries and good conditions of a company are completely realistic. I, therefore, conclude that whether expectation of job satisfaction is realistic or unrealistic depending on the attitude of workers.
우선 필요없는 부분들 지워드렸구요 동사를 꾸미는 부사는 동사 뒤로 위치시켜 주세요 콤마에 대한 사용법이 아직 많이 미숙해보이세요 공부해보시길 바랍니다 동사의 수일치도 잘 봐주세요 문단은 네개로 충분합니다 또한 논리가 약간 애매모호하게 전개되는 느낌을 받았는데 한 주장을 주장 이유 예시 설명 정리의 꼴로 정리하시면 더욱 좋겠습니다
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 6 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
6.0 예상합니다
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