▶ Your Answer : In recent years, the number of children who watch TV programs have been considerably increased and there is a debate whether these affection to, which affects positively and negatively childeren`s their development is positive or negative. I regard that some part of TV programs related to sex and violation can cause harmful effect on children`s development, but other programs such as educational and informative programs can contribute to children`s development >> In this regard, I agree with the bright side of television in terms of educational purposes.
To begin with, in terms of TV programs which is including sexual and violent contents, it >> watching tv programs can affect has detrimental and ill effects on children`s development.>> 설명이 필요합니다 어떤 해로운 부분이 있는지에 대한 설명이 있고 그 다음에 그 설명을 보충하는 예시가 필요합니다 For example, wrong informations about sex may affect children to have a baby in their early age. In addition, kids who are frequently watching violent programs are likely to be juvenile delinquents >> 예시가 가장 충분한 부분이 돼야 합니다 한 줄로는 예시가 불충분해요 예를 들면 아이들이 그들의 어린 나이에 아이를 가지게 영향을 미칠 수 있다 어떤 영향? 왜? 라는 의문이 다시 제기되죠 충분치 않으니 보충해야 하고 밑줄 부분은 또 설명하려면 두 세줄 늘어나니 지워주세요. As a result, children who enjoy watching these kind of programs a picture tube easily tend to have some troubles to develop their proper abiliies about sex and morality properly.>> sex와 morality에 관한 abilities?
On the other hand, TV programs oriented to education and information are significantly helpful to develop children`s intelligence>> TV 가 좋냐/나쁘냐는 테스크고 이미 둘 중 하나의 의견을 선택했다면 좋으면 좋은 이유가 주장이 돼야 합니다 여기서 단순히 주장이 TV가 도움을 준다하면 테스크의 질문을 반복하는 정도 밖에 되지 않습니다. To illustrate, TV programs such as Teletubbies >> , , 식으로 설명이 있어야 합니다 give enormous educational benefits to children who have ever watched this program. Besides, such programs are made to be loved by children so that children can learn educational and informative knowledge without stress and in the way they watch what they keen on >> Besides 의 앞과 뒤를 읽어보시면 besides가 나옴으로써 새로운 주장이 제기된걸 보실 수 있습니다. That is why a number of mothers opt these programs to educate their kids in efficient way from watching it in educating.
In conclusion, watching TV programs may be detrimental or benefical for children whether they watch what kind of programs. Thus, I strongly believe that parents should restrict and control their children to watch what they see.>> 갑자기 무슨 말인가요? 앞에 내용들과는 다른 말이 불쑥 나왔습니다 결론에서 오히려 모든 논리를 흐트렸네요
마지막 부분에 논리가 흐트러졌단 얘기를 드렸는데 추가로 말씀드리자면 Watching TV 자체에 대한 말이지 TV program 으로 계속 쓰면 어떤 특정한 프로그램 혹은 TV로 공부하는게 아닌 단순한 프로그램을 보는 것 등과 같이 다양한 의미로 해석될 수 있습니다
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6 6.0 예상합니다
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