▶ Your Answer : Body paragraph 할때 Break out을 두가지 방법으로 했습니다. 보시고 어느 것이 더 나은지 봐주시고 이유나 설명 (the reason for your choice)도 있으면 감사하겠습니다.
The line graph depicts the number of
vehicle thefts, which had occurred in four countries from 1990 to 1999.
Overall, while the UK had the highest car
thefts with a periodic fluctuation, there was a dramatic incremental trend in
Sweden's car-thefts numbers. Meanwhile, France and Canada showed a decrease in
the number of vehicle thefts for the given periods.
From 1990 to 1993, the UK was dominated the
number of vehicle thefts among other countries of 18 <(이 숫자가 무엇을 의미 하는지 모르겠습니다) while the rest of the countries had the similar numbers of car thefts. Canada and France had a the
similar trend where both had recorded to reach at the lowest point of about 5
thefts per thousand vehicle.<(when?) It is interesting to note that, Swedish thefts in Sweden showed remained to be constant
at 8 thefts per 1000 vehicles throughout.
After that <(after what?), there were the highest British
thefts of 20 per 1000 vehicles in 1996 <(의미 전달이 잘 안되는 절입니다) and then it dropped to 18 thefts in 1999
while Swedish thefts rose steadily to steal more cars, which number was reached a at peak of 14 thefts per thousand vehicle in 1999. In contrast to that, France had some parabola
trend from 1994 to 1988 and then it started to level off at 5 thefts, which
number is the same as Canadian thefts.
Canadian trend had gradually increased to reach the point of 5 thefts per thousand vehicle by
1999. ========================================================== Introduction & overall statements are same as above.
The
UK dominated the number of car thefts among the other countries at number of 18 thefts per 1000 vehicles in 1990 while
Sweden was at the second highest at had about 9 thefts. However, thefts in Sweden these Swedish thefts increased to commit
crimes yearly to reach at close to 15 thefts in 1999. Therefore, this is
indicating that the number of Swedish thefts is growing while the British
thefts are reducing by a substantial amount. <(Britain이 reducing한다는것을 언급하거나 supporting하시지 않았습니다.)
In contrast, the rest of the countries had recorded at around
6 thefts per 1000 vehicles in 1990. By 1999, the number of French thefts had
some periodic fluctuations between 1991 and 1995 , reached a peak in 1995 at in 1991 and 1995 at peak of both had recorded about
8 thefts, and then finished at 6 thefts in 1999. Canada had a constant decrease
to reach the number of thefts that point where this number is identical to French thefts in 1999.
Score: 5.5 Comment: 내용 정리/grouping이 두 번째 꺼가 더 잘 되어있는 것 같습니다. 첫 번째 꺼는 어떻게 grouping/정리을 해주셨는지 잘 모르겠습니다. 다만 내용 grouping이 두 번째꺼에서 더 clear하기는 하지만 그래도 정리를 조금 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 특히 표현에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 supporting data/비교를 조금 더 전달해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |