▶ Your Answer : Spending youthful years are a golden period for every children. Some of people in now society argue that having a part time job is unnecessary for the youth. However, some others insist ,working experiences to children is completely helpful for their lives. In my view, I agree that getting part time jobs in childhood is useless for that moment.
Some people think, beneficial experiences ensue when children works in society. There are some reasons. Firstly, children who get part time jobs will have responsibility. Such responsible, children could play an important role in their future lives.<(unclear) Moreover, children can save their own money for later. In addition, they probably notice earlier about value valuable of money than others who don’t<(formal essay에서는 contraction을 안써주시는게 좋습니다.) have work experiences, thus, people consider that working experiences in childhood is important .
On the other hand, children should not spend their time to work. for the reasons that ,they are physically and mentally immature,. Thus, children should be educated first before they are ready to work. Secondly, childhood never comes again so they should focus on studying for their careers further their future jobs . They will have enough work experiences when they are adults, even though they did not don’t work during in childhood. Therefore, it is nonproductive to have a part time job in childhood.
In my opinion , I would like to say children needs knowledge rather than work experiences. <(이 문장은 conclusion에 mention을 해주시거나 위 문단에 mention을 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다)
To sum up, in modern society, experiences are significant fact to get a good job. However, education is a much more valuable aspect for children.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 내용이 좋다고 생각합니다. 다만 이해가 잘 안되는 부분이 있습니다. 또한 문법에 많이 틀리시고 계십니다. Punctuation/띄어쓰기/word form/formality/collocation/article use/capitalization/문장구조/에 주의 해주시기를 바랍니다. 특히 punctuation과 띄어쓰기에 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 전체적으로 글/내용 정리를 조금 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |