▶ Your Answer :
Early as 2600 BCE, people had educated
themselves about mathematics and literature. From The literature had been
branched out to reading, poem and poetry. As it can be seen from the historical
fact, the reading and mathematics were very important parts in human's life.
Therefore, teaching those subjects is necessary even for gym classes. <(coherence에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
It would seem useless for learning those
subjects, because their<(who is their?) career is related to athletes and gymnastics. Those subjects
may be useful for teachers or mathematicians. They could practice for their future
competition<(what competition?) during that time of learning for mathematics and reading. During
the lesson times, athletes can learn other things that are related to sports
and by learning new skills, and that could result in having a competitive edge
and have a higher probability of winning the competition. Therefore, by
learning the irrelevant subjects can allow athletes to lose the opportunity cost of the winning a the competition. <(문장별 coherence가 부족합니다. 또한 내용이 irrelevant하게 들립니다. 운동 선수에 대한 질문이 아닌 체육 수업에 대한 질문입니다. 즉, 운동선수가 아닌 모든 학생에 대한 질문입니다)
In fact, the irrelevant subjects are
actually relevant to athletes.<(sounds contradicting) Those subjects are the basic requirement to live
for the daily lifestyles. By commuting and communicating daily, we use the maths
and reading skills. On the way to the final destination, there are many
posters, signs, advertisements and even sending messages and emails all require
a basic reading skill. All activities conducted inside and outside of houses is
required to use the mathematical skills. Also, the gym classes would be
interested in the award-prizes or salaries after the tax by using the
mathematics. Therefore, it would be needed for reading and mathematical skills
to survive for the daily lives.
In conclusion, the opportunity costs of
losing time for practice on sports are not worth comparing for the acquiring
for the foundation knowledge. <Contradicting/Connection is unclear> By learning reading and mathematics, it would
improve athletes and gymnastics' quality of lifestyles.
Score: 4.5 Comment: 일단 질문을 잘 못 이해하셨습니다. 질문은 운동선수가 아닌 일반적인 체육시간/수업에 대한 내용입니다. 그렇기 때문에 글쓴이가 서술해주시는 내용은 irrelevant하게 들립니다. 에세이만 보면은 coherence/transition이 많이 부족합니다. 많은 내용을 주시는데 연결을 해주시면서 주시는것 보다는 갑자기 새로운 내용을 주시기 때문에 흐름이 끊기거나 연결성이 부족해서 전체적으로 이해하기가 조금 어렵거나 헷갈리게 들립니다. 내용 연결성에 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 특히 두 번째 문단과 세 번째 문단의 connection이 무엇인지 clear하지 않습니다. 또한 specificity도 부족합니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |