> > 2009-11-04 22:01:16, '' 님이 쓰신 글입니다. ↓
■ You should spend about 40 minutes on this task ■ Present a written argument or case to an educated reader no special knowledge of?the?following topic ■ You should use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant ???evidence ■ You should write at least 250 words | |
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Topic :
# In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing. Does this trend have more positive or negative effects on society? | |
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These days, an increasing number of older people have been one of the serious issues in many countries and we can see this circumstance especially in developed nations.(이런 단어 같은 경우는 하나로 통일 하시는게 좋아요.) The aging society has been bringing (brought)more negative effects in terms of lack of young labor (demise in young labor), higher taxes and growth(increase of tax). So(Thus or Therefore), I view this matter with more concerns and immediate needs to ease. <--무슨 말을 하실려고 하는지 이해가 안되네요 ㅠㅠ 문맥상 연결이 안됩니다.
Firstly, there are some of different factors to get communities old people (leading to the aging society.), but here’s one major and common ground, a low birth rate.(문장 끊으세요) A tendency to not give a birth results in an imbalance between the young and the old and eventually an overwhelming old population relatively brings the lack of labor.
Furthermore, in this case governments might have the young get way??? more responsibilities by burdening with higher taxes to pay pensions for the old. Due to the development of technologies, we benefit bunch of ways from mechanization, but still there needs the young hands and intelligences as well.
Lastly, there’s also the growth aspect we must not undermine (어떤 growth 인지 문단 첫부분에서 설명을 하셔야 합니다.). The places where are mainly filled with the old slow its economic growth and cultural prosperity as well. We no doubt We do not doubt that the old generation did generate great deal of innovations, make their communities better and rich cultures, but they are not able to do the same job as much as the young can do.
In conclusion, the modern societies and all developed technologies lets us live longer and the desire for having a long life is all natural tofor us. However, having aging societies society cause more disadvantages rather than advantages, 문장 여기서 한번 끝내세요.we should encourage people to give births and prepare applicable solutions to get its public balanced. 좋은 문장입니다.다른 에세이 쓰실때도 사용하시면 좋습니다. | |
전체적으로 잘쓰신것 같습니다.
가끔 가다가 이해가 안되는 문장들이 있었는데 감점 요인이 될것 같습니다.
님 에세이를 평가하자면 전체적인 틀은 굉장히 좋은데 안에 있는 내용중에서 경솔한 문장들이 보이네요.
조금만 개선하시면 아이엘츠 winner가 되실겁니다.!!
화이팅!!!