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As society has modernised and been complicated, crime rate has also increased. Although there are several appropriate punishments for a criminal offences, if we could deter crime from happening, the number of victims of crime would be reduced and in turn our society could guarantee us safe >> 네 문장을 한 문장으로 이었습니다 끊어서 말하는게 필요합니다 이렇게 수식이나 접속사들에 의해서 계속 연결되는 문장들은 안 좋은 문장입니다.
Today To begin with, crime is getting more serious and various in the ways. However, there are underlying common factors to cause crime. First, most criminal acts are resulted from economic reasons as an inequality of income leads to the increased amount of criminal acts. If individuals experience economic difficulties from redundancy or their livelihoods are at risk, they are prone to have complaints at society. Thus For example, the tough conditions in living for the poor cause attack of others violent outcomes such as robbery and even murder. Second, the media which contains violent imageries and stories affect to commit a crime. In particular, young people are very much influenced by what they watched on TV, and they are vulnerable to judge whether the contents they watched is right or not. As being exposed to the programme frequently, they imitate the violent acts easily, as a result, juvenile crime have been committed. >> 밑줄 부분 모두 날려주세요 한 본문엔 하나의 의견만 들어가고 Second 하면서 다른 의견이 들어가면 문단을 나눠줘야 합니다
Otherwise, in dealing >> to deal with this issues, surely there are a suitable ways to prevent crime >> deal with this issue 를 하려면 그 solution이 나와야죠 범죄를 예방할 방법들이 있다 무엇보다도 재정적 안정이 필요로 된다? 전혀 solution이 아닙니다. Most of all, financial stability is needed to improve the quality of life for impoverished individuals. They could not choose an extreme behaviour by being subsidised from the government for cost of living. Additionally, restriction on broadcasting violent contents in the media is significant to tackle the problem of increasing juvenile crime. Therefore, passing new laws that will block a detrimental effect on people's emotion and behaviour is essential of crime prevention.>> 여기도 또 additionally 해서 한 본문 내에 두 의견을 넣었네요
No one can deny to seriousness of the soaring number of crimes rate in the present. However, nevertheless, with various trials including suitable punishments and solutions of the problems causing crime, society could ensure public security.
각 문단 첫 시작은 한 칸 들여쓰고 시작해주세요 테스크를 봐주세요 what could be done 이라고 했습니다 즉 solution을 제시하란건데 현재 작성한건 범죄에 대한 해결책들로 문제를 해결할 수 있다라는 당연한 말을 했네요 전혀 좋지도 않고 본문 구성도 좋지 않았습니다 Task1 써주세요 문법 구조들도 다 비슷해서 좋지 않았습니다 단어들도 비슷했구요 그래도 괜찮은 부분들이 있었기에 큰 감점은 드리지 않겠습니다
Task Achievement - 5 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
5.5 예상합니다
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