▶ Your Answer : Traditionally, male's duty was important in a company's main position and the job in the society. In the contrast, womenfemales did household work chores and were not couldn't(풀어서 쓰셔야합니다) allowed to go out in some countries. This situation was changed after the industrial evolution in 19th century. After this event,(comma 빼먹으시면 안되요) women were allowed to work in the factory and from the 20th century to today these days, their area was expanded to office jobs. (male-female, men-women 일관성있게 하나로 해주시는게 좋아요) [I think that females are is also important for in our society and high-level positions in companies.]<(introduction에 들어가야할 내용이에요) It is widely said that females are more wiser than male. Even though females usually do not have many social experience than male, <(이 내용은 쓰지않는게 좋을거같아요. 여성들이 사회경험이 남자 보다 없다고 하면 reader가 이 내용에 대해 의문을 가질거같아요) their circumstantial judgement and brain power is better than males. For example, here is parents of me. Taking my parents for an example, my father has a over 30 years of driving experience of driving. while My mother never drove a car until she was ( ) years old. before we came to the United States. (문장을 conjunction으로 시작하는건 좋지않습니다) However, But now, she is currently better than him. Why? Wherever they go, she remembers the place and side things at once so that makes not to wander in next time. But My father cannot remember the location and cannot recognize how to get there. <(이 내용은 driving과는 크게 상관없어보입니다. Driving보다는 direction이랑 상관이 더 있어보여요) Well, the subject and the point is a little different with company job, but My point is man and woman has a different system of thinking and acting based on that. <(말씀하시는 point를 예시를 이용해서 조금더 elaborate하시면 좋을거같아요)
The other example is here.<좋은 introduction 이나 topic sentence가 아닙니다.) When 4(숫자 1~10은 글로 쓰셔야합니다) parts(???) of a choir learn a new song, females tend to catch a point at once and carry out what the conductor requires. But However, males are impossible. If someonebody teaches one thing, that will be the only thing they accept and will not put in effort to learn another. they only accept only one and don't know how to develop to other things. And In South Korea, female students score higher than males on ( )get a higher score than male students on [Korean SAT](한국 SAT는 없는걸로 알고있습니다) . I think that this affection(??) would be also suitable for company's high-level positions or job.
{Women are more thoughtful. Most of them like to read some books and discuss talk about it.So they are creative. Men are different. They also read a books for learning, but their result is that they are likely to view in objective and professional. These are might be suitable for office job but I think that emotion is also important for that in personally. } <have no value. 내용이 잘 설이 되었거나 이해하기가 쉽지않아서 의미가 없는 내용이라고 reader가 생각할수있습니다.
Humans are not robots. They have emotions like happy, sad, angry, and nervous and so on. I think that each positions have their own specialized person for that. More high-tech and machinery things are for men, but socializing and working together with other company's members, or facing customers or client sare suitable for women, [I think ]<(아마도 그런거같다 라는 느낌을 주는 phrase입니다. 주장이 확실히하지않다고 말하는거랑 같아요.) . In saying In one word, that can be 'mutual' for each other.
Score: 4 Comment: 에세이에서 paragraph를 연관성있게 쓰는 format를 공부하셔야할거같아요. Organization 안된 에세이입니다. 또한 문법도 많이 틀리세요. Subject and verb agreement 특히 조심해주세요. 동사 사용법을 공부하시면 좋으실거같아요단어들은 꼭 제대로된 뜻을 아시고 쓰시는게 좋아요, 안그러면 문장이 틀린 내용을 반영해요. Simple idea/sentences도 보입니다. Formal한 에세이에는 너무 simple해도 좋지않습니다. 에세이를 전체적으로 봤을땐 질문은 답해주지는 않고있어요. 질문은 여성에게 도 높은 직급의 자리를 어느정도 줘야하느냐 말아야하냐, 어디까직 여성들에게 자리르 내줘야하다고 생각하나 라고 물어보는데 에세이 내용은 그저 여성들과 남성들의 차이점을 주 내용으로 나타나고있어요. Off-topic이 되지않게 조심해주세요. |
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