▶ Your Answer :
It is a controversial issue that freedom of
speech is necessary in a free society. Many people believe that everyone has a
right to represent their opinion and it has to be free(공짜와 상관없이 자유에 관한 내용입니다). Some argue that such
impact(what impact?) is so extraordinary that it would make useless dispute in a political
way.
However, I believe that people in a free
society essential need to express our opinion to make a better world.
First of all, the government and politician
who are on behalf of people should know what people feel and think about their
plan. For example, nowadays, only some people participate for the to vote to elect
representatives even if it is for electing the leader of the country.
The elected representative can may have power such
as making laws and controlling people and some of them cannot realize that great
power have to be have come with great responsibilities. It is because not many people watch
and state(??) about the politician’s action.
Furthermore, to make a better society, we need to have diverse opinions from people. Those opinions provide innovative ideas to for the
development of our system. Even though, people have different ideas, it could
be a first step to increase further development of our values.
To conclude, declaring something in public about
our society is a useful alternative way of developing society. Therefore, there is
no doubt that (what is that?) would thrive when people have speech in spite of it may be
challenging for society to allow various opinion out into the open.
Score:4.5 Comment: 연관성, 연결성, 논리성과 이해도가 떨어 지는 글입니다. 문단의 토픽 문장과 내용이 연결이 잘 안됩니다. 또한 주 토픽이랑 연관성이 없어 보입니다. 그렇기 때문에 이해하기가 조금 헷갈립니다. 또한 한국어 문법 쪽으로 문장들이 기울리고 있기 때문에 문법이 틀리신 경우가 있으시고 context안에 이해할수 없는 단어들을 쓰고 계씹니다. 글쓴이의 생각이 잘 반영되고 있지않아서 질문을 잘 답해주고 있지 않습니다. 내용을 outline으로 먼저 정리를 해보신후 에세이를 써보시는 걸 추천합니다.
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