As we move into the twenty first century,<(이미 21st century이기 때문에 move into 라는 표현은 맞지 않습니다) science and technology has become to play an essential part in every aspect in of our lives, and skills and knowledge of them are highly valued in the modern society. In this respect, many students are forced to choose university courses in those areas by parents or social pressure. However, in my view, students should be more independent in selecting the courses that they will study in university.
On the one hand, it is undeniable that students who take the courses where which in they can obtain marketable skills, such as engineering and medicine, are relatively advantageous in job seeking compared to students who do not. In addition, there is often a huge gap in average salaries among students depending on what they studied in university . In this aspect, It is understandable that some people believe that encouraging students to choose prospective majors will lead to success in their lives.
On the other hand, however, I disagree with the views above for several reasons. Firstly, obtaining the degrees that offer better career prospects does not always means the success in job huntings. The reason for this is that employment success is usually determined by individual ability or attitudes towards jobs rather than qualification by itself. More importantly, students should choose their career paths according to their interests and passions so that they can achieve their full potential and lead fulfilled lives.
In conclusion, to a certain extent, pathways of today’s young university students have been limited to some specific majors for better career prospects. However, students’ career decisions should be put in the hands of themselves to achieve genuine individual goals. <(conclusion에 새로운 내용만 쓰시는 것보다 전체 내용을 먼저 견론을 내고 위 두 문장을 덪붙여주는게 좋습니다.)
Score: 6
Comment: Can be improved 한 에세이입니다. 전체적으로 글은 잘 쓰신 것 같습니다. . "Some people think that all university students should study whatever they like" 에 대한 주장이 잘 드러나지 않았습니다. 글쓴이의 생각을 반영 하는 것도 중요하지면 두개의 주장을 또한 잘 서술 해주시는것도 중요합니다. 조금더 정리를 하시고 silly mistakes가 없으면 훨씬 더 좋을 것 같습니다.