▶ Your Answer :
In this modern <(modern what?), the competition is a challenge to get awards. Sometimes, competition gives opportunities to encourage entirely talents<(?). Yet the children are beginning contests. A lot of Many people consider that youngsters are qualified to organize <(organize what?) instead of vie mature <(unclear).<(Coherence/clarity/specificity가 떨어지며 질문의 주제가 무엇인지 전달이 되고 있지 않습니다. 즉, 무엇에 대한 에세인지 잘 모르겠습니다) In general, the topics<(what topics?) are becoming pros and cons contrast in publics. An adult believes if a kid grows with admire participate contest <(?).<(incomplete sentence) That is benefit, in fact broods <(brood means animals) get new experience because variety performs in here like singing, dancing, painting and so on. <(run-on sentence/very unclear) Other benefits are building confidence, abilities, and set-up <(set-up what?) since child. However, contrast group thinks about creating discrimination for their children. For the reason that a child is left-over time of play and grow <(?).<(incomplete sentence) While I argue children with child who should learn to compete <(sentence fragment/incomplete sentence). This essay can describe about it. <(이미 에세이를 써주시고 계시는데 중간에서 이 에세이가 설명을 해줄것이다 라고 전달을 해주시면 organization이 전혀 안되어 보입니다) Firstly, the brood who is healthy, grows and learn to manage emotions and reactions as soon as he participates in a competition.<(sentence fragment) Perhaps their parents wishes who find wealthy from children abilities in contest <(?)! For example, ‘idola cilik’ contest is a competition of gorgeous sounds singing and correct of vibration <(?). This media mass programs in television channel, began at 3 – 10 age participate in ‘idola cilik’ contest.<(run-on sentence/unclear) <(irrelevant/sounds off topic) Secondly, the children develop their confidence to who improve skills and reduce of nervousness in front of the publics. Many excellent teenagers become from babies.<(??) So, they learn for academics and abilities faster than what they learn at school. If they have experiment like studying abroad, it is one of the greatest prestige, and win the competition. In conclusion, a young person is happy with their aptitudes and absorb to achieve their enthusiasm and response. I think the benefits are more than backwards about children’s learning. They are learn to play and work together.
Score: 2.5 Comment: 전체적으로 composition/coherence/clarity 가 많이 lack 합니다. 일단 에세이라고 하기에는 essay format/paragraph structure/organization이 안되어있습니다. 그렇기 때문에 내용이 많이 헷갈리게 들리고 무엇을 전달하고자 하는지 전혀 모르겠습니다. 또한 쓰시는 표현이나/문법/문장구조/가 많이 어색합니다. Incomplete sentence/sentence fragment가 많습니다. 그리고 informal하게 들리는 부분도 있습니다. 일단 문법/문장 쓰기 연습을 해주시고 essay structure에 대해서 공부를 하시는 것을 추천합니다. 일반적으로 에세이는 4~5 paragraphs이며 순서는 introduction-body 1-body 2-conclusion입니다. 그리고 한 문단당 4~6 sentence으로 이루워지며 하나의 sub-topic으로 이루워집니다. 글쓴이는 너무 여러 내용을 여러 문단들로 짧게 서술을 해주셨으며 coherence/transition이 잘 안되어 있기 때문에 내용 연결성도 많이 떨업니다. Organization은 outline form으로 연습을 해보시는 것을 추천합니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |