▶ Your Answer :
As a result of developments in technology, setting food is getting
simpler and simpler. Such change have led to the development of activities for
people, including women who previously was in charge of cooking. In addition, there have been changes to
society in terms of advancement of women's social status.
To begin with, there have been changes in the lives of the women as
it is no longer unusual to see married women working outside. Women are able to
participate in a wider range of activities compared to previous years. For
example, they increasingly participate in social activities such as bowling,
card games, and walking clubs and enjoy the social company of each other. (예시라고 보기엔 다소 general - 예시는 실제 사건 및 인물, 통계 활용해 주세요) Running and developing such programs have become important to ensure that women
can enjoy a high quality of life in their last stage of life.
--> 음식을 빠르게 준비하는 게 가능해짐과 동시에 구체적으로 여성의 삶에 어떻게 여유가 증가할 수 있었는지에 대한 background explanation이 부족합니다.
On
top of that, there have been changes in the society, including the expansion of opportunity to
work for women. (앞서 제시한 내용의 연장선상으로 볼 수 있으며 별개의 이유로 보기는 어렵습니다) Thanks to The reduced time to cook food preparing time has allowed
women to work as part-time job or temporary job. In fact, the research from the Seoul
National University has revealed that proportion of working women is increasing
continually all over the world, although percentage of high official or office
bearer is still extremely low. (밑줄 친 내용이 본인의 주장 강화에 도움이 되는지 불분명한 문장일 경우 불필요합니다) This phenomenon will be accelerated in period of
the fourth industrial revolution. (본 주제 전체와 무관한 내용입니다)
In
summary, the reduced time to prepare food influenced on the women themselves as well as
society. The women are now aggressively participate in social activities for longer, and the increase in the number of women
entering into society as workers is prominent.
Task Achievement
|
Coherence and Cohesion
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Lexical Resource
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Grammatical Range and Accuracy
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TOTAL
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4
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3
|
4
|
3
|
3.5
|
- 문장을 때로는 지나치게 길게 작성하여 문법 실수가 많습니다. - 주장을 뒷받침하는 분명한 이유 및 예시가 포함되었다고 보기 어렵습니다. - 문단 내 논리흐름이 부드럽지 않습니다. |