some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. discuss both these vies and give your own opinion.
Some believe that increasing the number of sports facilities can be the most powerful way of improving public health whereas others think that there will be other solutions for making public health better. I will state both these views in this essay, but and I personally agree with latter.
On top of that, people are more and more inclined to spend time at home and not to do exercise by themselves because they do not have opportunities to go to a gym or other facilities due to for accessibility matters. Thus/However, By expanding the number of places to exercise such as a gym or swimming pool and studios for public, people can easily access to the facilities whenever they want. Besides, it is clear that one of positive effect of participating some classes in the facilities is the increased availability of interacting with other people. It is not only good for their physical health but also mental health by socializing with each other.
Despite the argument above fact that, others think there will be a better another way of increasing public health. For example, people in Korea, have gotten regular health checkups for free in every second year. According to the Korean government, this has led to lead the decrease of various diseases such as cancer and heart disease. By joining the medical checkup, people possibly find out their disease or medical conditions in an early step so that they can properly deal with it. They also provide free consult services for public mental health at some of subway stations and it is effective of to enhance increased mental health since some Koreans avoid to go to clinic because of their mental illness. ('공짜' 와 대응시키기 위해서는 '비싸서 가지 않게 된다' 라고 적어주셔야겠죠.)
In conclusion, there are a variety ways of improving individual’s health such as increasing the number of fitness facilities, however, I believe that other options could be more effective for people to have improved medical conditions. (왜 내가 그렇게 생각했는지를 짧게 적어주세요~)
총평: (6/5/6/6) 6.0
단어 등은 매일 쓰다 보면 다시 원상복귀하지만, 현재 글은 단어가 문제가 아니라 cohesion, 즉 매끄러운 연결 쪽이 더 문제가 되었습니다. 본론 두 문단 모두 첫 표현이 엉뚱하게 쓰였으며 (on top of that 의 경우 '이와 더불어' 정도의 의미를 가지는데, 현재 상황에는 적절하지 않죠.), 이 외에도 문장 간 연결이 그렇게 깔끔하게 되지 않은 부분들이 보였으니까 이에 대해 수정해주세요~어차피 rainv님은 어느정도 하셨던 분이니까 원상복구까지 올래 걸리지는 않을 겁니다. 수고하셨습니다 :)
오랜만에 써서 그런지 단어가 많이 생각이 안나네요. 매일 쓰다보면 나아지려나요.