The two pie charts give information about
South Korea’s population in 2000 and 2050. Overall, relatively the rates (이게 안 들어가면 의미 자체가 완전히 달라지는데, 여기에 대해서는 총평에서 링크를 드리겠습니다.) of the populations in the youngest two
groups populations were expected to relatively decrease as time passes while that of the people
over 40 years old were recorded to increase after 50 years.
One of the noticeable things is that middle-
aged members of society who are between 40 and 59 years old accounted for a
majority of populations (일단 문법만 바꿔드리면 majority of the population 이 되는데, 그걸 떠나서 majority 자체에 문제가 있기 때문에 이 역시 링크를 하나 드릴게요.) in 2000 and 2050. These figures were recorded as 42% in
2000 and 45% in 2050, respectively. It is also noteworthy that the proportion
of population in 2000 between people who are from 0 to 19 years old was were
expected to decrease by approximately half in 2050. These figures were expected
to decrease from 15% in 2000 to 7% by 2050.
As seen from the two charts, people between 20 and 29 years old only decreased in rate by 4% (여기도 굳이 뺄셈을 하시겠다면 퍼센트포인트를 붙여주셔야 하고, 이 역시 링크를 드리겠습니다.) after 50 years. These figures were 33% in 2000 and 29%, respectively. Lastly, it is also notable that seniors over 60 years old were expected to increase by 9% in 2050. These figures were 10% in 2000 and 19% by 2050.
총평: (6/6/5/5) 5.5
제가 위에서 링크를 드리겠다고 한 세 부분은 각각 순서대로 밑을 참고해주시면 되겠습니다. 정말 많은 수험생들이 틀리는 사항이므로 주의해주세요!
https://www.gohackers.com/?c=ielts/ielts_info2/ielts_writing&type=url&uid=461474 (2-2번)
https://www.gohackers.com/?c=ielts/ielts_info2/ielts_data&p=2&type=url&uid=481969
https://www.gohackers.com/?c=ielts/ielts_info2/ielts_method&type=url&uid=486596
또한 지금 문장 구조 자체가 너무 단조롭습니다. These figures were~~라는 문장이 네 번이나 쓰이고, 다른 문장들도 대부분 비슷비슷하기 때문에, 조금 더 높은 점수가 필요하실 경우에는 문장 구조 자체에 대한 패러프레이징도 고려해보셔야 합니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)
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